Lifted Up by the Hand of Grace

The Sixth Day of Christmas

2011-12-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

On the Third Day of Christmas I hugged my co-worker Tanya, roommate Nicola, and my other roommate's mom Jayne.

According to legend, the sixth day of Christmas is a reminder of the six days of creation. So, today I'll spend at least 60 minutes writing/journaling/reading my playwrighting book. In other words, creating.

Merry sixth day of Christmas!

The Third Day of Christmas

2011-12-27T10:50:00.001-08:00

On the Third Day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Three French Hens.

Christian tradition holds that the "three french hens" are the three kings bearing gifts. Today I will do some gift bearing of my own and give three people hugs.

So, does that make me the french hen? I probably should have thought that out a little more.

Grownup Lessons from Childhood Fashion

2011-11-29T10:59:00.000-08:00

My favorite Disney character is Peter Pan. While my childhood chums would brush their hair trying to make it gleam like Cinderella’s, I wore my green leggings and would jump off any surface I could, think happy thoughts, and try to fly. There are certain memories from childhood that are simply too great to say goodbye to. Included in these fond memories are some of my favorite outfits and ensembles, and I’m on a quest to reclaim them. I still dream of flying – but now I do so wearing an empire-waisted dress and a pair of green tights. It’s still like Peter Pan – just grown up.

Embroidered jeans

My favorite pair of jeans as a child were flare legged and each back pocket had a large embroidered butterfly. I loved these jeans because they felt special. No one else had them. They might have had similar jeans, but these felt like they were mine and no one else’s. Childhood lesson: Find one item that makes you feel ridiculously beautiful and ridiculously special. Because, you’re both of those things!

Babydoll dress

I had a babydoll dress that I’d wear almost every day, usually with a pair of leggings and tennis shoes. I loved it because I looked like a girl, but I could run and keep up with the boys. It felt like I was free to be whatever I wanted! Childhood lesson: Who cares if your clothes fit your “image” – wear what makes you feel confident regardless of the labels.

Spandex lace shorts

My mom has a framed picture of me wearing Barbie roller skates, a Minnie Mouse shirt, and cotton spandex shorts with black lace around the hem of each leg. It was the first thing I ever wore that made me feel like a rockstar. Childhood lesson: Find an iconic accessory – a pair of shoes, necklace, pair of earrings, etc. – and declare it your rockstar item.

Long dresses

I wasn’t allowed to wear jeans to school until I was in the sixth grade. Once I graduated from college, I began pining for the dresses of my childhood because believe it or not, I could do more in dresses than I could in jeans. Childhood lesson: In my long dresses I could ride a bike, run around, crawl under things, and never get in trouble for being indecent. I was fearless! So in honor of that kid, put on a maxi dress and then go climb a tree.

While being a grownup can be great (hello happy hour!), we’d be doing ourselves a disservice if we forgot about the childhood us with the calloused feet and skinned knees. When’s the last time you felt like a superhero? When’s the last time you climbed a tree? Sometimes reclaiming your childhood is as simple as putting on the superhero costume – or a pair of Barbie skates.

My-Vogue.com

2011-09-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Last week I wrote an article about ways to transfer carefree bohemian style to a professional workplace, and Ina over at My-Vogue.com published it as a guest post!

Here's a quote from the article:

"In the truest sense of the word, those who are bohemian are those who embrace and enjoy life. The bohemian look is about freedom, art, and beauty. If you can’t wear your hand crocheted sweater to work, then make sure that you take at least one moment to sit down by a river and sketch (regardless of your artistic ability), lock yourself in your bedroom and sing full voiced to your favorite songs, or spend a night with your closest friends drinking wine, laughing until you cry, and eating great food."

Check out the full article here. I'm loving this freelance writing thing, and will be trying to post more original posts about fashion, etc., on my own blog in the coming weeks.

I love that my blog is refining myself and I'm kind of figuring out what I want it to be exactly. I think I'm going to start developing "things" that I do on my blog - like the monthly challenges, thrift store shopping, etc. Any other ideas that have been fun or successful for you and your blog sense?

Of Senses and Sacrifices

2011-09-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading through the Book of Leviticus with one of my high school girls, and I have to say that I am really excited as I haven't read that book since high school. When Clara and I read Genesis and Exodus together, the questions we answered were analytical (who are the main characters, what happens, etc.) whereas the questions we are answering for Leviticus make frequent connections to the New Testament and are asking us to contextualize the passages. I thought this was a better way to go since Clara has never read the Book of Leviticus and I didn't want her to get scared by it. There's so much beauty and meaning that I would hate for her to miss!

Little did I expect how challenging I would find answering my own questions to be. Leviticus 2 discusses the grain offering, and like everything else in the book, does so with abundant detail. One of the discussion questions was "why is it significant for grain to be used in the offering?" Pretty simple, right?

I started thinking about grain - everything grain is used for, the way it tastes, the way it smells, etc. I reread the passage and the description of the offering came alive. What I saw was that all five senses were being engaged with this sacrifice: you SEE the grain being prepared, you SMELL the grain as it is mixed with incense and olive oil, you FEEL the grain as you bake it either in the oven or in a pan, you HEAR the sounds as you and then the priest prepare the offering, and finally you TASTE the offering as the aromas fill the air. I think Aaron and his sons were actually the only people who could eat the offering, right?

It struck me that this sacrifice and all other sacrifices described engaged all the senses in such a dynamic way. Why is there the need for that? As I wrote in my journal I started thinking about sin - how no act of sin is tied to an action that then dies. It spreads out and impacts other people, often in ways that I and others fail to realize. It can sometimes be all consuming and all encompassing. Maybe the reason sacrifice is so sensory is because the magnitude and the impact of sin is communicated this way. Maybe it's God saying "You thought that sin was just about the act of greed/pride/lust/anger, but by having this sacrifice touch each of your senses, I am showing you how much sin impacts your heart and others. I'm also reminding you of how deep and wide my love and grace is."

I'm not too sure is as clear as it was in my head. What really got me going was thinking about the biggest sacrifices I've made in my life and the way they do seem to require my whole self, all five senses. I can SEE the way my decisions impact others. I can FEEL the way sacrificing is painful but necessary. I can HEAR God as sacrifice makes my heart more tuned to his voice. I can SMELL the pleasing aroma that I am created to be and I can TASTE joy as I live with passion.

What do you think? Is there a link between the senses and sacrifice?

The 8 Pound Slump

2011-09-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

I lost 25 lbs my senior year of college - I think I am one of the few people who can say they weighed less when they graduated from college than when they first started. Immediately after graduation I went on a 2 1/2 week trip to the Dominican Republic and the diet of fried plaintains, beans, rice, incredibly dense apple pancakes, and more caused me to gain a lot of it back - and I never lost it again. Since then I've gained all 25 lbs back (and some months a little more).

What I've noticed about my weight loss journey is that I lose anywhere between 7-9 lbs, I get excited, and then I get discouraged because I realize how much further I have to go. So, this time around I'm trying to not look at the mega finish line and simply concentrate on 5 lbs at a time, but right now I'm in the 8 lb slump. To try to break myself out of my typical slump, I am trying to concentrate on my non scale victories that have been achieved over the past 2 1/2 months.

1. My cargo pants are almost too big to wear, even with a belt.

2. My cheeks (on my face) have contours again!

3. My dimples (on my face) are more prominent.

4. I've started running again and will be running 5 miles on Sunday.

5. I signed up for the winter pineapple classic with a friend, which should be a blast.

6. I have been drinking a ton of water.

7. My vegetable consumption is through the roof.

So, there we go. I have felt my motivation slipping this week, but hopefully my 3 mile run tomorrow, the 5 mile run on Sunday, and the eating well this weekend will bump me out of my 8 lb slump and into the land of the 10 lb victory lap.

September Goal: Visiting a Place I've Never Been, Part 1

2011-09-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

Over Labor Day weekend Jaelithe, Rachel, and I went to Bellingham to visit Maggie's apartment and see where she is setting up shop. While I've been to Bellingham before there were a few spots we visited that I had never been to before. The day started at church with Rachel, and then doing my best "I'm so confident I don't even care that the guy I had a crush on is sitting at church with another girl" impression while talking to some friends after the service was over. From there we went to my house where Jaelithe loaded her stuff into Rachel's car and the sounds of my Bellingham mix CD's and the kind of road trip conversations that only girls can have filled the vehicle.

We spent the afternoon going on a REALLY long walk in Bellingham in very in appropriate footwear. Jaelithe got the worst of it as evidenced by the huge blisters on her feet the next day. We stopped at a gorgeous park, talked some more, ate pretty good pizza (it's no Pagliacci!), had weird conversations with a very drunk man at the Bellingham bus stop, walked a little more, ate ice cream, and played cards.

The weirdest part was by far leaving Maggie's house the next day. I realized that we were all driving to Seattle where we lived, and that Maggie was not coming with us because she didn't live there anymore. Granted, not too much has changed! I've seen Maggie once a week since she's moved, which is more than I see some of my other friends that still live in Seattle. But, it feels like this huge sign of adulthood and growing up. Jaelithe got married, Rachel just started a new job, Maggie moved to Bellingham, and I...

...and I might be going back to school to get my Masters of Divinity starting in the fall. But more on that later...

What do I want?

2011-09-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

Back in the spring I helped teach a class at my church about our gifting within the body of Christ - how our spiritual gifts, personality, experiences and more make us who we are. One of the weeks I led was about our passions and our desires and how they are a useful indicator of how God made us. I had the class do several exercises where they wrote down gut reactions to prompts to try and uncover what they really wanted and what they really felt about a variety of topics.

When I taught this class I sat with a piece of paper and a pen and asked myself - "Suzanne, what are your deep wants?".

I couldn't list a single one.

A couple weeks ago Maggie asked me flat out if I wanted to date or if I wanted to be single.

I wasn't able to answer her.

Two nights ago I lay in bed trying to get to sleep and in a moment of transparent prayer told God that I was going to unabashedly, unashamedly, ask him for everything I wanted.

I wasn't able to ask for anything.

Of course there are things I want for others: I want my mom to meet a wonderful man to be her partner the rest of her days, I want my little brother to be introduced to a great Christian friend in New York, I want Maggie to be successful in Bellingham. I just can't ask for those same things for myself. Often when people ask how they can pray for me, I don't know what to say. I know there is such a thing as contentment, but I'm not certain if I'm experiencing contentment or if I am completely dulled to what I want.

Maybe I am content! Maybe my soul is deeply satisfied! But when faced with a point blank question about what I want, shouldn't I have an answer? Oh, Lord, what do I want?

Fresh Starts and Fresh Stats

2011-07-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

For the past 9 years I have had the same email address, and it recently was deleted as my mom got rid of her comcast account. Now I am using a gmail account, and let me tell you, the transition has been bumpy. I thought I could go for a simple suzannetownsend@gmail.com kind of thing. Taken. Maybe a suzannectownsend? Taken. stownsend? Taken. 1,000 easily conceivable combinations? Taken. Which is why I now have a weird mix of my name, initials, and random numbers. For those of you that have wondered, the 473 means nothing.

Getting my email address account switched over from my blog was one of the biggest ordeals. It required that I invite myself to be an admin on this blog and then delete myself from the blog. While my posts have stayed in tact, all of my stats, all of the blogs I followed in my dashboard, and probably many other settings I have yet to realize have been reset. There is now 1 view on my profile, and that was from myself.

It's weird, but my email address is one of my pieces of childhood. I created that address based on a nickname a substitute teacher unintentionally gave me that caught on especially amongst my theatre friends. It was connected to my mom's account - while my own it was ultimately managed by her. A couple years ago my brother and I took over our own cell phone bill and I took the payments for one of my credit cards. My mom still helps me out by paying the bills for two of my credit cards, but I'm hoping that in the next year I can take those on as well.

Is 26 the year where I am going to be experiencing more fresh starts? I've already dabbed my toe in a few pools of new adventures: thinking about grad school, moving to a new house, saying goodbye to friends leaving Seattle.

For a while all I had written for info "about me" on my blog was: "Hello world. My name is Suzanne. Bring it on." I'm holding off on writing the new entry. For now at least.

Spilling Hope: Decaffeinated.

2011-04-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

I just read my blog stats and my most viewed post was the one wherein I discussed the last person I kissed. That post received 167 views. The post with the next largest amount of views was 22. My friend Chrissie says that people like reading about other people getting lip action. I'm afraid the post disappointed some people as it wasn't too salacious.

Well, it not be as sexy, but I have had many thoughts about Spilling Hope the past couple days. Spilling Hope is an initiative my church began two years ago that asks us all to simplify our lives and from the savings of that simplification to give generously to a clean water campaign that drills wells in Africa. We work with an organization called Living Water International that drills and repairs the wells in the communities of Uganda, and this year we are expanding our partnership with Uganda by working with World Relief to empower churches to be agents of change. It's an exciting time!

This year I have decided to give up coffee as part of Spilling Hope. At first it was going to just be purchased coffee, but today I decided it would be all coffee. I never used to buy coffee, but two things have happened the past couple months to make it a once and sometimes twice daily habit. 1) I nanny 3 days a week for 2 hours quite early in the morning. I take the bus downtown and from there take another bus to my nanny family's house. However, there is a wait time of about 20 minutes until my second bus comes. And there is a Starbucks right next to said bus stop. So, I've been sitting and reading my Bible while enjoying a cup of coffee or some tea. 2) Neptune Coffee right near my work serves up a delicious cup, so to chase the memory of Starbucks from my brain, I often get a latte from Neptune. 3) I discovered that coffee + steamed whole milk = heaven.

Today I'll be looking up how much I've spent on coffee over the past 50 days and donate that amount to Spilling Hope. It's going to be really embarrassing. So, why give up all coffee? Mainly because of what coffee represents to me. It represents comfort, convenience, and entitlement. Why shouldn't I get to have a latte? Don't I deserve it? Isn't it my right to spend my money on whatever I want?

In short, no, it isn't. It's become exceedingly easier to justify spending $3-$8 on beverages than it has been for me in the past. I used to get excited to buy a latte once a week, and now it is a part of my daily routine. It is a poor financial choice for me. I rarely have perfect ease with my finances, which means I don't tithe 10% of my income, and I don't pay as much on my student loans each month as I would like. But...I'm able to afford $80 a month in coffee?

Spilling Hope for me this year is about sacrificing some of my comfort and convenience, because I'm acknowledging that the health and comfort of others takes priority. I already feel like this year the practice will be transformative and actually lead to some long lasting changes rather than a one-time commitment.

To think or not to think

2011-03-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

Which yoke is better? The one I carry
or the one these oxen are carrying?

I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes. I think that is part of the reason I go through long seasons where I don't read my Bible because when I do there's just too much to process and too much to be overwhelmed by. When I read my Bible for teaching prep or during the service, I feel like my brain doesn't go 1,000 miles a minute every single day. I am able to engage and wrestle with scripture in the moment, and then just live a blissful Christian existence. When I'm not as invested in reading scripture, I almost feel more freedom in my faith. What I'm starting to realize is that in the freedom there is little growth. I know a lot of people that can experience bliss and growth in their faith at the same time. I'm wondering if I'm one of them?

I say this in the midst of a brain stimulating conversation with a friend who lovingly suggested that maybe I'm a little overcritical. I say this in the midst of reading the Book of Hebrews and having a hard time with some of the theology that challenges my ideas about the relationship between the old covenant and Israel, and the new covenant and the church. I say this in the midst of worrying about the trajectory of the church's theology as a whole. Who in their mid-twenties worries about the trajectory of the theology of the Body of Christ?!?

So, there's this biblical mandate to spend time in the word and commune with God. When I listen to this mandate, I do find life and am reminded of who I am in Christ. But, I also am confused, made to feel uncomfortable, and unsettled. Ignorance is bliss, right? I know that it's not a bliss that is lasting -- it's a bliss that leads me away from the path of abundant life.

I guess what I'm experiencing is twofold: 1) I'm experiencing that the words of Hebrews is true: "Indeed, the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing until it divides soul from spirit, joints from marrow; it is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12, 2) I'm experiencing that the following words of Christ are a unique promise: "Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30. While his yoke is easy and his burden is light, there is a yoke and there is a burden. Jesus doesn't promise here that he's getting rid of the yoke or removing our burdens. The burdens we carry are better, but they still exist.

I know that the emotional and spiritual dissonance I experience from thinking too much is a better burden, but sometimes I'd rather change it in for bliss.

Just call me Gandalf

2011-03-20T00:03:00.000-07:00

Maggie and I are leading our high school girls group through this book called 7 Secrets to a Health Dating Relationship. It's based off of a passage in Ephesians 5 and the "secrets" are all about being a kind of person and looking for a kind of person. The idea is that if you seek after someone who expresses wisdom, hope, discernment, joy, gratitude, etc. and if you aspire to do the same thing that the relationship will be healthy.

When we talked about wisdom, we talked about how sometimes when we think of wisdom we get an image in our heads of man like Gandalf - old, bearded, and cryptic with their words. We don't think so much about a teenage girl, or a college aged guy, or a soccer mom.

I'm helping teach a class at my church. Last week we talked about spiritual gifts and my friend Nancy said that spiritual gifts are a way that God endows us with talents beyond our normal capability. I sometimes feel this way when I teach. I can almost feel it as I'm preparing a talk or a teaching of some sort; that the content I am preparing is beyond me and that God has gifted me in that moment to prepare a lesson. So how does this relate to wisdom?

Over the past couple of years (Brenna, if you're reading this, you started it) some of my friends have used the word 'wise' to describe me. And honestly, it never ceases to amaze me. I guess I just don't think of myself as being a person of wisdom. The cool thing is, that I think that's kind of the point. The fact that I can't conceive of myself as a wise person, and yet my friends see me as one, is evidence to me that God is at work in my life. Unfortunately for me, this wisdom thing seems to be out of my hands. I'm inspired to say certain things at certain times, but other times all I can do is listen. I kind of wish this wisdom thing worked a little more like my brain being shaken up like a magic 8 ball.

Good Enough

2011-01-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

When I was in middle school, I was an avid writer. My teachers thought I was better than I ever thought I was. There was an opportunity to take a master class with a local northwest writer and my teacher selected myself and 6 or 7 other people, all older than me. Some were even in high school. Wow. One of the people in my class wrote a story called "Good Enough" and it was about a young girl who admired her older brother but how nothing her older brother did was ever good enough for their mother. Her story was actually selected to be published in a literary magazine that the school made and included full colored photos. Both were of a man sitting on a curb wearing a hooded sweatshirt. The first one he had his head in his hands and the second he was looking at something in the distance. Feelings of sorrow and hope. You could almost read it in the photos: "today I'm not good enough, but maybe tomorrow I will be."

Whenever I hear the phrase "good enough" I think of that story and those images.

I've made some mistakes while at work the past couple of days. What's the big deal, right? Everyone makes mistakes. Often I feel that while everyone WILL make mistakes I SHOULDN'T make mistakes. I know that I'm not perfect, and I don't expect I ever will be upon this earth, but when I make a big flashing mistake it's hard for me to overlook.

Rob Bell gave a series of sermons on forgiveness that I've listened to multiple times. One of the sermons was called "Living by the Books" or something along those lines. He talks about this system of checks and balances and how many of us approach others with an accounts balance sheet. We list all of their good deeds in the (+) column and all of their bad deeds in the (-) column. Whichever side has a greater balance is what determines the amount of effort we put into the relationship. Rob suggests that often we approach God with this same book of checks and balances. The whole point of the message was reconciliation and how Jesus came to destroy the books.

What I realized yesterday and today, in between lots of crying, is that I live my life by "the books". I don't determine or measure the lives of others by the books, but I measure my own by them. When I make a mistake, I can almost see the calculating of my balance in the eyes of others. This system, I'm sure, is in my imagination but it feels very real. One mistake and I'm back at ground zero and feel I have to make things up to those impacted by my error.

How is it I can counsel my high school girls and friends in not needing to be perfect, and believe in a God of grace, but convince myself that at the end of the day trying my best and falling short just isn't good enough? Maybe I need to reed The Ragamuffin Gospel again.

Dating is like a box of chocolates

2011-01-13T19:28:00.001-08:00

I had a dream the other night I got married. It was a weird ridiculous dream. For one, I got married in my junior year prom dress. For two, my husband and I never spent any time together. For three, my reception was at McDonald's. Anyway, I mentioned this dream to a couple people in my office and someone responded "speaking of marriage, my wife has someone they wondered if you'd like to meet." We ended the conversation with me agreeing to meet the guy if it was in a pretty casual environment, like all of us going over to my friend's house for dinner.

Some of my friends would jump at the chance to get set up, and here I was feeling quite uncomfortable and approaching the idea with mild trepidation. I started thinking about why I felt that way. Is it a fear of commitment? A fear of abandonment? Fear of rejection? Poor self-image?

The more I thought about it the more I realized that it really stems from a fear that I'm not going to be okay. I'm content with my life. I have a great house, wonderful friends, a good job, and a church that I love. I'm really happy with it all. And I'm happy being single. What happens if I open up this pandora's box and all of a sudden I need and want a relationship when I've never felt like I really needed one to begin with?

The only analogy I can think of is a kid who has never had chocolate before. The kid sees that other people enjoy chocolate and they imagine that they would probably enjoy chocolate too but they don't feel the need to eat it. What happens when that kid finally does have chocolate? He freaks out, that's what happens!!! He all of a sudden realizes he wants more and more. Or, he could realize that it makes him sick and from here until eternity he is the one kid who doesn't eat chocolate.

I'm afraid that I do the dating thing and then all of a sudden my contentedness goes right out the window. I will become the person incapable of being single and equate my wholeness with those times when I have someone's hand to hold. But what if the other thing happens? What if I try the dating thing and I just don't want to do it at all? Sometimes I feel like I am just built a little differently than most people. And it's kind of exhausting to tell you the truth. It's hard to see the things that my friends want and desire and to not want or desire them for myself.

So, dating is like a box of chocolates. But it's a box of chocolates I'm terrified to even try, both because I'm afraid I'm going to love them too much but even more so because I'm afraid I won't.

Prompt 29: Your talent

2011-01-02T21:23:00.000-08:00

I've never really thought of myself as a talented person. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be visibly and noticeably talented: be able to dance, figure skate, do gymnastics, sing, play an instrument. My heart has honestly always been a little sad at knowing that I was never really good enough at any of those things to continue them on into adulthood. I'll never sing at an open mic. Or perform dance on a stage. Or be good enough to be cast in a show. It feels like everything I really wanted to be good at I was only ever middling at. The violin. Theatre. Dance. Cloning animal species. You get the point.

I think this is a pervading feeling in my life. I am always afraid that I will never be as good, as funny, as pretty, as talented, or as interesting as those around me. This is something God is working with me on, and taking spiritual journey again this past year is continuing to help me in see myself as God sees me.

I think I am talented in some things but when I stand next to someone who has the capability of bringing down the house with their singing talent, my ability to creatively craft a Bible study or write a thoughtful card doesn't seem so significant.

I guess talent is in the eye of the beholder. There are some people that would never want to get in front of a crowd of people and dance, act, or play an instrument. They might admire those that do, but they have no desire to have those performing arts be one of their talents. Another thing if that sometimes with my talents, when I fail at them the consequences seem more severe. It's a burden I don't really want. If a dance makes a misstep during a performance, they might feel embarrassed or get scolded, but they haven't harmed anyone. When I fall asleep on the job and don't exercise a gift of compassion or temperance, the misstep hurts my heart, and I'm afraid it might hurt others as well.

Definitely a stream of consciousness post. Time for bed!

Prompt 27: The thing you most enjoy doing

2010-12-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

The thing I most enjoy doing often involves this:

And these:

Friends and coffee; the perfect combination.

This holy combination can come together in a coffee shop or a friend's living room. It can be light and lovely, or deep and soul revealing. There's just something so comforting about sitting across from someone you know and care about while sipping a warm beverage. Conversation seems to flow more easily when you're staring at another person as the steam rises from the cup.

If you're taking the time to read this, I'd love to know what the thing is that YOU most enjoy doing. Do you understand the charms of a hot beverage?

Prompt 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to

2010-12-01T12:52:00.000-08:00

I nanny for two kids, Max (age 4) and Carly (age 6). The picture to the left is of them with their mom about 2 years ago. They are definitely NOT the easiest kids I have ever nannyed for. Let's just be honest: they are brats. And yet, they have grown on me. Rather than finding the fact that neither child ever wants to wear clothes disturbing I have come to find it strangely endearing and quirky. I've also begun to see working for that family as a ministry to the mom (in large part due to Becky's perspective on the issue). There are some days I can't handle the brattiness, but more times when they're really sweet. Like today, playing "connect 4" with Max and genuinely laughing at the goofy way he was playing the game.

Anyway, this post is about pinky promises. A month or two ago Carly showed me the "secret drawer" in her bedroom that held all of her most prized possessions: a fart machine, a couple of bracelets, a jaw breaker, some Pokemon cards. She made me pinky promise her that I wouldn't tell Max where her secret drawer was.

There's something about being with children that helps me understand what it means to have faith like a child. Carly believes that because she calls her drawer a "secret drawer" that it will forever stay a secret. Disregard the fact that it is simply one of many drawers in her dresser and Max could easily open each drawer and discover her prized possessions. Disregard the fact that a dresser is no spot to really hide anything. Her belief that it is a secret hiding spot makes it so. Just like her belief that wrapping her pinky around mine and saying "pinky promise" will bar me from telling her secrets. She says it is so and therefore it is so.

I often remind myself that I am God's child. That I am blessed. That I am redeemed. And yet, I don't often believe it. What would it look like to have faith like Carly? To truly believe that, for example, saying someone is my best friend and would never do anything to hurt me, makes it so. To truly believe that saying God loves every hair on my head, makes it so.

From a modern, academic perspective, faith like a child doesn't make sense. But there's something precious about that kind of faith. I wish Carly would forever believe that a pinky promise is binding and that the people in her life would not convince her otherwise. I guess all I can do is be the kind of person who doesn't break such promises. Maybe by having people in her life that keep those promises Carly will become the kind of person who continues to trusts and continues to believe - child like faith, even beyond her years as a child. Now that I think about it - I'd like a dose of that "believe in a pinky promise" kind of faith as well.

Prompt 25: The person who gave you your favorite memory

2010-11-29T18:26:00.001-08:00

I have approximately 25 years of memories so it's kind of hard to pick my most favorite out of all memories. Instead I'll discuss my most favorite of all memories...from the past two weeks. On Monday night of last week (November 22) we got about 3 inches of snow and another 1 inch or so over night. I ended up having to stay at work until about 6:30pm and due to the lack of busses running on time I walked home. That day I happened to be wearing a dress, tights, and ballet flats which made the 45 minute walk home a bit interesting and a bit cold. On my way home I had a conversation with my friend Maggie who had to abandon her car approximately 30 blocks away from my house. She ended up camping out at Starbucks and then walking over to our friend Rachel's who lives just a hop, skip, and jump away from me. When I was about 10 minutes away from my house, Maggie and Rachel called me and said they'd meet me en route and convinced me to take a detour to Rachel's where there was the promise of hot soup, fresh rolls, and tea. Apart from the fantastic companionship the food made it a very tempting offer.

Maggie and Rachel met up with me about a block away from Rachel's where we proceeded to run throughout the field of a church turning up the freshly fallen snow. In one of my more graceful moments, I walked down what I thought was a snow covered hill and instead was a snow covered cement slope. It almost happened in slow motion as I slipped down this slope and my hands and legs got buried in the snow. The best part was the sound effect I gave to narrate this event: "woop." Uproarious laughter on the part of myself, Rachel, and Maggie was the immediate laughter as can be evidenced from the picture.

Rachel then graciously opened up her home to me as well as sweats from her wardrobe as we feasted and shared great conversation. The icing on the cake was that one of my roommates also joined us bringing brownies and a BBC mini series which was delightful. I love when my worlds merge and in that one moment some of my most favorite people were all in one place.

Karen, Maggie, and I left Rachel's, playing in the snow on our way home and then sat by the fire before retiring to bed. I remember when I was a senior in high school that I had a conversation with one of my friends that when we became adults we wanted to have deeply important friendships where we still did goofy things and had sleep overs. No matter how many times I can look at my life and say "this is not where I thought my life would end up" the place of importance that many of my friends currently have in my life is one piece that is exactly as I hoped it would be. Cheesy, but true.

Prompt 24: The person who gave you your first memory

2010-11-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

I think the person who gave me my first memory was my crazy day care person. I remember she was old and crotchety and she had a series of glasses with random cartoon characters. I'm pretty sure she drank powdered milk (pretty sure that was a pretty 80's thing to do) and would always stare into her glass and swirl it around when it got close to the end of the milk.

One time I didn't eat all of my lunch (it was some sort of gross Spanish rice thing) and she sent me upstairs to go to sleep. I didn't know where she wanted me to sleep so I went upstairs and fell asleep on the floor of her bedroom. A little bit later she came up to the room and yelled at me for sleeping on the floor. I told her I didn't know where to sleep and she had me sleep in a crib. Pretty sure I was 3 years old at the time and pretty upset she was making me sleep in a crib.

So, thank you crotchety babysitter for being unkind to me and thereby giving me my first memory. Pretty sure she's no longer alive. Does this make me a bad person?

Prompt 23: The last person I kissed

2010-11-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

This is a complicated (and uncomfortable) question to answer.

If we're talking about the last person I kissed in a romantic manner, then that person does not exist. If we're talking about the last person I kissed who is not related to me and of the opposite sex, then that would be Matt Merritt when we acted together our senior year of high school in the play The Universal Language. If we're talking about the last person I kissed, period, then it would be the 6 year old girl Carly that I said goodbye to for the day by giving each other hugs and kissing her on the cheek.

On a side note: kissing is weird and I don't get it. Granted, my experience is clearly quite limited. Sometimes I watch a movie and think to myself "if that's what kissing is like, then sign me up" and other times I think "Oh man, please make it stop! That woman is drowning, save her from the man with the mammoth lips."

Prompt 22: My pet peeves

2010-11-12T23:40:00.001-08:00

Here are my pets of a peevish nature, both big and small:
* When cupboards and drawers are left partially open.
* The sound forks make when you pull them apart when the pokey things get stuck together.
* When people say "I could care less" rather than the properly stated "I couldn't care less".
* Hearing other people eat when I'm not eating.
* When I can tell people aren't listening to me.
* When I feel I'm being fit into a peg of people's lives (i.e. the responsibile friend, the single friend, the caretaker friend, the funny friend, etc.)
* Stepping on crumbly things with my bare feet.
* Having a bad hair day
* Not being able to find things that I'm looking for.

Prompt 21: Someone you judged by your first impression

2010-11-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

I skipped Prompt 20 (favorite TV shows) because it didn't really interest me to dedicate an entire blog post to the topic. And I'd rather talk about how judgemental I am because that's just so much better.

I feel like I judge everyone by their first impression. A lot of the time I make a determination about how that person and I would relate. Am I cool enough, pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, etc. to be friends with this person? How did this come to pass?

I think I am a fairly judgemental person in that I make snap decisions on who people are based on very little bits of information. I listened to a sermon by Rob Bell from Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He was trying to explain the difference between the kind of judgement that is connected to keeping people accountable and the kind of judgement that Jesus warns against us bringing upon others. He suggests that we need to judge the actions of others but we've crossed the line when we begin to make conclusions about people's character based on those actions. So, for example, it would be appropriate for me to tell someone that it is not right for them to steal candy from a baby but if I then made the leap that because they stole candy from a baby that they were a bad person and unworthy of being loved, then I'd be crossing the line. Rob Bell explains that when we make that leap, we are trying to do God's job for him. Ultimately, God is the only one who can judge hearts.

Judging people in this way leads to two things: 1) I become less open to new relationships with people because I am caught in a circle of judgement wherein I am judging them, and also determining ways in which I think they are judging me. 2) I fail to give myself or others credit. Moment of transparency here: there's this guy I have a baby crush on and I get along with him well it seems. However, I'll see him talking to other girls that I have determined to be prettier than I am and then come to the conclusion that he would never reciprocate my crushage feelings because I fall short in areas x, y, and z. This is where judgement becomes a problem! I thought about the past few guys I've been interested in and what piqued my interest. It was never their physical appearance. There was a charisma, or shared interests, or humor that initiated my interest and then of course I came to see them as being very handsome, but it never started with physical attraction. Why, then, do I assume that guys would do the exact opposite and base their interest solely on physical appearance?

Anyway, I know this prompt asks about a specific person I judged by their first impression, but judgement in general seemed a more provoking topic.

Prompt 19: Something that makes you different

2010-10-24T13:15:00.001-07:00

I cry when I laugh. Not like a single tear slowly and dramatically dropping down my cheek as a symphony plays in the back ground, but tears cascading down both sides of my face. My friend Becky calls them projectile tears and says that they are my super power.

This past weekend (why did I take not pictures of this?!?) my super power was in rare form as I gathered with other youth staff leaders for our annual retreat in Cle Elum. The tears started flowing on Friday night while playing Catchphrase. The following day I basically cried so hard that I think my body might have actually dehydrated itself. We played Balderdash and bag of nouns and developed more inside jokes than are really necessary for any one group of people.

God is really working in my life to soften my heart in a lot of ways and I think part of that is being kinder to myself. One of my fears is that I'm destined to live an unspectacular and insignifcant life. There's all these places I want to go and things I want to do, but feel bound to this time and place because of the amount of debt that I'm in. My little bro and I were having dinner last week and I was explaining some of this and he reminded myself of what I'm doing now that's indicative of where I want to be in the future: I volunteer with students, I work at a non-profit, I serve. So, while my gut reaction might be to say that there is nothing different about me, that I am mired down in mediocrity, I feel like God is challenging me to question that.

I really like that I cry when I laugh and that I do so easily because it reminds me the way that God has sown seeds of joy into my life. There's something almost sacred about laughter. If I don't laugh while in someone's company it's difficult for me to imagine being great friends with them. When someone asks me to describe any of my favorite people, aside from their physical attributes, I normally mention that they are funny. All that to say that I think God has gifted me in a way to experience moments of piercing joy in the midst of sorrow, feeling sick, being discouraged, having PMS, etc., and that one of the embodiments of that joy is laughter and therefore many tears.

Prompt 18: The Person You Wish You Could Be

2010-10-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

I skipped prompt 16 because it didn't interest me.

While I could write about the actual person I'd like to be more than any other (Kate Winslet, Toni Collette, Mindy Kaling, or maybe David Hasselhoff) I feel like it's more important for me to talk about the kind of person I wish I could be -- because that person is actually within myself and not a celebrity of some sort. By the by, I don't actually want to be David Hasselhoff.

I'm starting to realize that I have some unhealthy ways of relating to people, primarily in the way I react when I'm upset by a situation. Somewhere in my development as a human being I determined that it was appropriate to handle situations by shutting down, blocking people out, and moping. While on the inside there's a firestorm of feelings and frustrations, on the outside I try to present an image of cold stone blankness. What happens, though, is that people can tell I'm upset but I don't want to upset them by admitting I'm upset, so I just don't talk. This happened a couple of weeks ago while having dinner at a friend's house. Something was said that upset me and I didn't want to state so at that moment, so I instead decided I'd remove myself from the conversation. People were asking me if I was okay, and I just kept denying that anything was wrong. About 30 minutes after I made that commitment I started to laugh and contribute to the conversation and almost chastised myself for doing so. I kept thinking I was being inauthentic for moving on so quickly from an upsetting situation but started thinking about it and decided that maybe God has prevented me in my spirit to hold a grudge. I decide to be upset about something, and 30 minutes later I'm laughing. Is this an inability to feel things appropriately? I'm starting to see it as a blessing. Why is it that I can have an infuriating conversation with someone dear to me and 1 hour later be out with my friends eating dinner and laughing hysterically? The problem is that before I get to the laughing hysterically bit, I try to dwell on the anger bit and shut down. I try to make people feel how angry I am without actually expressing my anger. I want to be the kind of person that can be blessed with joy, but not someone who in the midst of sorrow is determined to make others as miserable as possible.

I feel God beginning to transform that part of my spirit, and I know that it's something that I've inherited and have developed b/c it serves me in some way (albeit negatively). The other day while discussing this with some people I verbally said out loud "This stops with me. If I ever have children, this is not something I'm going to pass on. It's finished." And I know that through Christ, through asking for healing, and through intentionally trying to love people well, that it can be finished.

Also, here is a poem my friend Katja wrote about our friendship. It made me smile.

across a state line or two, me and you,

or the palpable distance, contorted,

renew: varying between the mileage,

anew: doing things i never thought

i'd have to do, did you?

believe me:it's only a matter of time before you

She also took the pictures I included with this post. I like these because I think they all either were taken at a time when I felt really free or depict the kind of freedom and peace I want to trust God to equip me with each day.

Prompt 17: The Place You Wish You Were From

2010-10-19T12:01:00.001-07:00

I just took two different quizzes to find out the place that I should live, based on arbitrary questions such as "what food would you most like to eat: cheese, a hamburger, Indian food, pizza" I got two different response. One response said that I should live in Greece because it's artistic and apparently so am I. The other response said I was a "country mouse" and should move to Michigan. Both great ideas.

I'm going to change this prompt a little bit and instead answer where I would move to if money and purpose were not at all to be determined. Of the places I've been, the place I'd like to most live is London or somewhere in England or somewhere in Ireland. I loved walking through London at night (the way it looked and the way everything felt and how many people were out and about). I loved being in a place with lots of history. I loved knowing things that a local would in a see of tourists. I loved the weather (VERY similar to Seattle). I loved the public transportation system. I loved Ryan Air.

I understand that it is completely possible to idealize a place and maybe I am idealizing London. The last time I was there was 4 years ago so maybe my feelings would be different going back. More than anything, I think, I'd just love to live abroad. I want to immerse myself in a completely different culture for at least a year. Now just to determine when that will happen and where I should go and what I should do. Details, really.

Prompt 15: The Person You Miss the Most

2010-10-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

I'm reminded of the scene in the Bruce Willis movie The Kid when little Bruce Willis (played by Spencer Breslin) realizes that as a kid they moved houses 12 times and shouts of "What happened?!?" That's what I'm asking myself about this blog. I was doing SO well! What happened?!?

Anyway, no condemnation, just moving on. This one is actually pretty difficult for me because I don't feel like there is anyone I really miss all that much. My best friends (whom have been mentioned in previous posts) that live far away are people I still connect with regularly, and those people that I've drifted away from I am trying in some small measure to reconnect with. There are people I wish I could see and people I'd like to see more often than I do. But, I think I simply get used to it when people aren't around anymore. The people I end up missing are those that are in my circle of friends here in Seattle or that I interact with frequently. Then, when they aren't around for days or a week or two at a time, I miss their presence.

While I rejoice whenever my long distance friends and family come to visit or when we talk on the phone, I've gotten used to not having all of my nearest and dearest within a 5 mile radius. It's like I've created a new category for my long distance friends. I remember and think of them keenly, would love to see them more often, but don't miss them in a heart achey sense of the word. The people I've missed in the past week or two are my friend Maggie, Kara (one of the girls in my youth group), Jaelithe, Chrissie, my co-leaders at youth group, and others that I go through spurts of seeing and then not seeing. Hmmm...maybe rather than name the person that I miss more than any other, I'll contact them to hang out and finally end the misery of not seeing them! Time to be a doer, and not a thinker.

Prompt 14: Someone You've Drifted Away From

2010-10-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

This is kind of a bummer, but there are about 15 people I could write about here without even batting an eyelash. I know that's just kind of the nature of life, right? One of my high school girls recently moved to Chicago, and when I was talking to her on the phone shortly after the move, I told her to not be too hard on herself and not to kill herself trying to maintatin relationships with every single person she knew here in Seattle. I explained to her that it's just too exhausting to maintain every friendship in Seattle while also developing friendships in Chicago. The most important relationships stick, but I'm beginning to realize that sometimes people can enter your life for just a season, and I'd do better to simply appreciate them in my life at that period of time rather than forcing each relationship to be what I think it should be. However, in appreciating these relationships within their seasons, sometimes some rather important friendships dissipate as well.

Growing up, I am sure I had "best friends". You know, the ones you always hung out with, always shared your lunch with, and generally just had a skipping good time with. This kinds of friends in my case did not last. In the 3rd grade Nikki Norris told the entire 3rd grade class that I stretched our her body suit and that I was fat. In the 5th grade Melissa Bong only hung out with me as a way to hang out with my adorable next door neighbor. In the 6th grade I met Emmalee Ridgeway who was my nearest and dearest friend for about 3 years until she went to another school. She was, however, a fantastic friend and I hope one day to find her on Facebook.

It wasn't until I was in the 9th grade that I developed a "best friendship" that was built on a solid foundation. Kristen Miles is probably the first person I can remember pursuing me as a friend not because of what I could give her (access to a cute next door neighbor, for example) but because she wanted to be my friend. We established a ridiculous mutual love for Goran Visnjic, Spy Daddy from Alias, and other random artificats of pop culture. We ate lunch together almost every day during Junior and Senior year of high school, planned winter formals, and gave each other permission to ask questions about one another's faiths and respond respectfully. And when we got together, stupid, stupid amounts of laughter transpired. Our friendship was always easy, in the best way possible. Never any stupid drama, never any subtle criticism of one another, just friendship.

I lost touch with Kristen, but was randomly thinking about her one day in college, knew she was on her mission in Norway and found her through the LDS website where we sent a couple of emails to one another. I have the best intentions of being her pen pal as she is in Idaho and I am in Seattle. It's weird, isn't it, the relationships that last and the ones that quicksilver that seem to slip between our fingers? I hope I was as good of a friend to Kristen in high school as she was to me, but as this is one relationship that I would really love to rekindle I may have the opportunity to be that kind of friend to her even if it is across long distances.

Prompt 13: Something You're Looking Forward To

2010-09-23T10:26:00.001-07:00

So, you might have noticed that I moved from "days" to "prompts". This is because I went about 4 days without posting anything, so the word days is misleading. But, this has been a fantastic way to provide me some guidance it what to write about. I think I'll be done doing something structured after this though, at least for a while, b/c there's all this other stuff that I've had ideas to write about. Anyway, what is something I am looking forward to?

I am greatly looking forward to running a half marathon with my little brother in November! We're running the Seattle Half-Marathon on Sunday, November 28. The best part of training is that Cameron and I get together for our long runs each week and it's been a great time to spend regular amounts of time together. It's also been really cool, because starting last week, each long run we do from this point on will be the longest distance Cameron has ever run. This week (as in tomorrow actually) we'll be running 6 miles. Holler! My goal for the half is 2 hours and 11 minutes which would beat my best time by 1 minute. But, more than anything, I'm proud of the fact that I've been holding my own when it comes to running with Cameron. Honestly, if I were to lose 5 lbs or so prior to the half, it would help so much with my time. It's crazy how even that small amount of weight makes a big difference!

This challenge that my work place is doing called "Game On" could not be coming at a better time. It's a team health and fitness competition which has done a pretty good job of keeping me honest, which is fantastic as preparation for this event.

Anyway, if you're reading this, wish Cameron and I luck as we embark on a 6 mile run in about 14 hours. I'm also really looking forward to sharing this experience with my brother. I don't think we've ever really participated in something together before. We have our whole lives as shared history, and have spent countless meals together, but it means a lot more to have a common goal we're working towards. Only 64 days until the half marathon!

Day 12 (ish): Your Dream Vacation

2010-09-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

This is pretty fantastic because as of Saturday my dream vacation might actually turn into an actual vacation during the month of February! My friend Liz from my intern years recently got married and moved to Switzerland with her husband. Switzerland has always been my dream loction since I was about 14 years old. Well, I mentioned this casually in an email and she casually mentioned in return that anytime I found myself in the area that her and her husband would be happy to host me. Combine this invitation with a recent hang out with my friend Callie, a.k.a. a great adventurer and then my random suggestion to go to Switzerland and her acceptance of the offer. I found a cheap-ish ticket ($724) and have all but booked it. If I go with Callie then my thought would be couch surfing for half of the time to give our hosts a reprieve and then staying with Liz and Daniel the other half of the time. If I go by myself then I am not doing scary couch surfing and will impose myself on Liz and Daniel. The only thing that could make the vacation more wonderful is if I could figure out a way to toss in a couple day trip to Berlin to visit my friend Erin who lives there with her boyfriend.

What's better than a dream vacation? A dream vacation that'll actually happen!

Day 11: Someone who is dead that you wish you could talk to

2010-09-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

I've thought about this quite a bit and think that out of all the disciples that I would be most likely to have a crush on Peter. Random stream of thought, I know, but the mind goes where the mind goes. Anyway, I also determined that I would not have a crush on Paul. I think his know-it-all pretentious perfectionist ways would drive me absolutely bonkers as those things actually drive me crazy about myself.

Because I can't date Peter (that would be weird, and wouldn't he have been pretty old when he started following Jesus? According to Wikipedia he would have been about 1 year older than Jesus, so I guess it's not all that crazy) I think I would satisfy discussing things with him. What was it like to see Jesus again after denying him? What was it like on the day of Pentecost? Did he ever get jealous of Paul? Did he really know Jesus to be the Messiah? What would he think of our getting people to "pray the prayer" in order to solidify their faith in Christ? How did he handle it when things in the world just seemed to be going crazy?

I know it might seem silly, but this is the first person I thought of. And it's late and my brain can't come up with anything "profound" to say, so there we are.

Day 10: someone you don't talk to as much as you would like

2010-09-09T20:49:00.001-07:00

There's many people who fit this category that I've already written about: Brenna, Liz, Scott. But there's a whole host of other people that I met while studying abroad or in college that I wish I spoke to more. In particular I wish I spoke to my friend Erin Null whom I met while studying abroad while in England. I owe Erin for many things, maybe most significantly for introducing me to The Office and the great love of my life, John Krasinski. I remember the first episode we ever watched together: "Casino Night." Still one of my faves. Anyway, I digress.

I learned while studying abroad that finding someone you travel well with is a rare gift. Erin was my travel buddy for both trips I took while I was in England, both Spain and Ireland. Both times we traveled I was able to enjoy each and every moment of the trip. We had a good mix of planning events and seeing the sights, and lots of walking, but also relaxing. I remember walking through the Kilmainham Gaol and listening to my friend provide me with more history than our tour guide (with a much easier to understand accent) and light up as she talked about each aspect. I remember clinging to each other in Howth, Ireland as some of the strongest winds I've ever experienced literally blew my hat into the water (we laughed that it was an offering to the raging sea gods, but it didn't calm them). I remember picking her up in Bellingham when she came to visit me from Ohio and we drove back to Seattle down Chuckanut drive, discovered Jalepeno hummus, had a Jane Austen tea party (where I discovered that wax paper IS NOT the same as parchment paper), and took a cheesy tour around Seattle.

Erin and I are pen pals and we genuinely write each other about once a month, but I miss her a lot. And if I could I'd go visit her in a heartbeat, not just because she lives in Berlin and has a gorgeous boyfriend who I hope would maybe introduce me to one of his gorgeous friends, but because she's awesome and I think we really would be able to pick up where we left off in terms of our friendship. How much does a plane ticket to Berlin cost? Well, according to my current search online I can get a ticket in February for $893. Um...that is really cheap.

Day 9: Someone You Wish You Could Meet

2010-09-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

There are multiple people I would really love to meet, either alive or dead: Philip Yancey, Rob Bell, all members of Switchfoot, Toni Collette, John Krasinski (although my stammering would be an obstacle to any real conversation), Amy Adams, Marian Keyes, etc., etc., etc. And on my more noble days I would also add to that list: Martin Luther King, Jr., Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Henri Nouwen, William Wilberforce, Lousia May Alcott, Mother Theresa, etc., etc., etc. But, in the idea of honesty (which is the whole point of a blog, right?) these are the two people that I would actually love to meet above and beyond any other.

Jane Austen: My friend Rachel and I were discussing this and she actually put the idea in my head. I'd love to hear about what her life was actually like as we know so little, and no, the movie Becoming Jane is not a historically accurate depiction of the events, despite James McAvoy's attractiveness. I'd love to know how she developed the heroes, heorines, and villains in her stories. Did she base them off of people she knows? And what does she think about the fact that every other year there is a new film, book, or play based on one of her novels? Did she have any idea that the characters she created would last for generations? I'd also like to know if she thought her life was tragic. Every time someone talks about Jane Austen in trying to construct a biography, they inevitable mention that despite her creation of these great love stories, that she remained unmarried. Some films portray this as a result of forsaking love for noble reasons. Others depict it as a regret that she later ruminated upon, but what was it really? Was her mentality that of many of my single friends now: she loved life, but once or twice a month she grieved that she didn't have that companionship that so many of her friends had, and then she moved on and kept going with life? So many questions to ask her! Inlcuding, her unfinished book Sanditon. Where was she going to take the story? Did she think it was her greatest novel, or did everything pale in her brain to one of her other novles. Which novel was her favorite? Why did she make Fanny Price in Mansfield Park so utterly spineless but Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice filled with wit and spark? She's one of those people that if I somehow did have the fortune of meeting that I would sit in silence and beg her to speak. Make fun of me if you like, but I would pee my pants if I got to meet her.

Mindy Kaling: Writer, actor, producer. Hilarious. She is so freakin' saavy and smart. You can just tell when listening to her interviews. She developed Kelly Kapoor into this fully realized person when in the first episodes she was merely a frumpy looking office worker. The episodes she writes for The Office are always some of my favorites. Perhaps you'll remember such gems as: The Dundies, The Injuyy, Diwali, Ben Frankli, Niagra. Seriously, that's just a few that she's written. I love them because they are so intuitive, break conventions, and have real depth and nuance. When I was in my job transition I seriously considered writing her a letter and begging her to allow me to just shadow her. I'd make her coffee or walk her dogs, I didn't really care, I just wanted to be around this incredibly intelligent, artistic woman.

Anyway, those are the people more than any other that I'd like to meet. I'm curious, to those that are reading this, if you have people as well that you'd pee yourself to meet.

Day 8: Your Favorite Internet Friend You've Never Met

2010-09-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

I don't have one.

Man, that was the easiest blog entry EVER.

Day 7: My Job

2010-09-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

I've been at my new job, working at Taproot Theatre for a little over a month now. I work as the assistant to two amazingly funny, kind, and creative people. Sara Willy is the Director of Education and is in charge of providing vision and directing the programs in the acting studio. This summer we had approx 30 classes offered and Sara masterfully and gracefully handle all the details of 18 teachers and their respective classes. She was always upbeat, optimistic, and passionate what she does. Nathan Jeffrey is the Director of Outreach and is in charge of the Road Company, a group of 5 actors that travels to elementary, middle, and high school students performing incredibly impactful plays with themes of developing friendships, empathy training, bullying prevention and harassment prevention plays. He also coordinates 4 different Christmas shows that tour around to churches and community centers, all proclaiming the true message of Christmas and the birth of Christ.

I think my experience at work can best be described by what happened today from 10:45am-12pm today at work. At 10:45am we had "company meeting" which is our weekly staff meeting. At staff meeting this week, the Road Company came and we gathered around and prayed for them. Before we started praying Nathan read out a list of prayer requests for the Road Company, praying for their health, safe travels, and their unity as a team. The tears started flowing as Nathan expressed his hope and desire for the team. Then we prayed for them, and others began crying. Afterwards, Karen, the artisitic director said, "Make no mistake, everyone, they are heading out on the mission field. Make no mistake."

I went back to the office and worked for a bit and then Sara came back from some meetings she had that afternoon. She had to leave shortly after, but not before telling me about an awesome idea she has for the next step in the acting studio. Passion. Crazy amounts of passion for what she does.

This is where I get to work. It's pretty great. I can definitely see myself staying there for the next 2 years or so, and then after that I'd love to put my money where my mouth is and travel somewhere to live for a while. Probably to Nashville. Maybe to go back to school. But that's a blog entry for a different day...

Day 6: Someone That Inspires Me

2010-08-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

How do I choose just one person? Seriously?!? I've been so blessed with people who inspire me on a daily basis. One person, who I've never blogged about before who inspires me continually is my friend Scott. The picture on the left (stolen from my friend Stephanie) has Scott, at the top left and his brother-in-law Kevin beside him. In the front row is Becky, her niece Ella, and Stephanie (the source of the picture and Scott's sister).

Scott was my youth pastor when I was in high school and now is a really good "talking out deep concepts of theology, life, and ministry, friend". One thing that inspires me is the way he is constantly learning. When I ask him what he's been reading, he always has an aswer for me, and it's always a variety: Stephen King novels, Lord of the Rings, books about spiritual disciplines, deep theology, social justice, etc. He's just started seminary and before his full course load started he took an intensive Greek class that he passed with flying neon colors because he taught himself most of the course work using a text book he purchased from a friend. WHAT?!? That is crazy.

Another reason he inspires me is that he has a way of slowly, quietly, and kindly pouring love and care on people. I don't know how it happens, but those he encounters feels cared for and are drawnt to his kindness. They want to have dinner, play basketball, hang out with him because people truly experience the character of Christ while in his company. In Scott's office during the time he was my youth pastor, he had a plaque hanging up that said "Preach the gospel always, and when necessary use words." I've heard dozens of people quote that, but very few live it out. He does definitely. (He'd probably list the ways he fails to live up to that call, but don't we all fail a little bit in little ways?)

One way that his friendship has blessed me is that he has challenged me to learn but I never feel like he is condescending or lording his knowledge above me. When I was his intern, he'd give me a book to read, I would mark pages I had questions about, and then he'd ask me about my thoughts on the subject matter. Me, sitting in his office as a 21 year old theology student, felt listened to and not like he was internally correcting everything I said but that he actually valued it. As I've gotten older, I've also felt like he's allowed me to grow up. Some youth pastors I know always treat the students who were in their youth ministry like they are kids. But, Scott has allowed me to grow up and build a friendship with him outside of our experience in youth group.

He also has inspired me to be a truth teller, but to do so appropriately. While I was in high school he was so kind and supportive of difficulties with friends and family, but never said or gave me advice in any way that could be interpreted as being not honoring to my mom. When I graduated from high school, and especially the summer my brother graduated from high school, our family went through some trials, but even as I was devastated and lamenting, he told me the truth when it needed to be said but without condemning, judging, or being snide about people in my life.

I also admire him because he's confident in the person Christ has created him to be. He knows his gifts, he knows his passions, and he pursues them, because those are the ways God has knot him together. I also love that his wife, Becky, is one of my best friends. Even though I don't talk with Scott as much as I talk with Becky, I know that Becky appropriately relates things I tell her to Scott, so I can feel his support and encouragement through her.

So, in a rather large nutshell, that is my friend Scott, one of many people who inspire me :)

Day 5: My Dreams

2010-08-28T23:09:00.001-07:00

Is this the weird dreams I have in the middle of the night, or dreams, as in what in my head I would love to accomplish/do/and see? I'm going to take it in the latter sense. The dreams of the moment are:

Visit Italy and Switzerland
Dance with a guy I like
Go skydiving
Run a marathon
Be in a play
Kiss a boy
Take singing lessons
Perform in a dance show
Go to Africa
Visit every state in America
Live on the east coast
Live in England
Go to the summer Olympics
Go rock climbing

Most of these might seem like they are just small and attainable goals, but I guess what makes them dreams is that most of them aren't things I'm going to pursure right now. Many of them might happen, I hope most of them do, but I think of them often. It's not a thinking that is sad or sorrowful, but it's a patient waiting for the opportunities to present themselves and for me to have the courage to take them.

p.s. This picture is of Italy. It's been the number one place I've wanted to go since I was in college.

Day Four: Siblings

2010-08-26T22:31:00.000-07:00

I have two siblings. One is older, one is younger, and they form kind of a Suzanne sandwich.

Jason: My big brother by 8 years. Here are my favorite things about Jason: his commitment to BBQ, the way he calls me little sister, how he intentionally has started traditions with his kids, the way he drinks coffee 24 hours a day, the way he listens when I chat with him, the way he commits himself to his hobbies, geochaching, the fact that he still dreams big, he made the courageous decision to change his career (inspiring!), that I know he'll walk me down the aisle when I get married, and how even though I don't always feel like I need a 'big brother' that he'd do anything a big brother is required to do (like beat up a guy who hurt my feelings, encourage me if I made a big life change, and be my advocate no matter what).

Cameron: My little brother is 2 years (22 months techinally) younger. Here are my favorite things about Cameron: that he's one of my best friends, his mad cooking skills, his fashion choices throughout history, that we're running a half marathon together!, that he thinks I'm cool (maybe?), that he calls me to hang out, the way he plays with his our nieces and nephews, he's wicked smart, he's got pie in the sky ideas and dreams, he is funny, he thinks I'm funny, we laugh a lot, we still beat each other up, that he'll also walk me down the aisle when I get married, and that he lives in Seattle so that I have a piece of my family nearby.

Day Three: Parents

2010-08-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I kind of missed two days. It's kind of crazy the way time gets away from me sometimes. Anyway, today I'm supposed to blog about my parents, which us not a topic that excites me in my trip down memory lane. I've been trying to think of a way to blog about my parents without being unkind or disrespectful. So, in the interest of being short winded, here is what my most current struggles are with my parents.

I haven't seen or heard from my dad in 5 years. About a month ago my mom texted me to say that my dad had gotten in touch with her and wanted mine and Cameron's number to call us. I told her that he could have my email address, but I didn't want to give out my number. I haven't gotten an email at all. My mom mentioned that he doesn't have a computer but I can't help but feeling that if he really wanted to get in touch with me that he would go to the library or use a friend's computer. What's frustrating is that I get to this point with my dad where I feel invincible and like the neglect can't hurt me anymore, but then something else happens and it all comes back.

What's confusing to me about my relationship with my mom is that I don't know what my role is in our relationship. I would like to say that I can just be the daughter and she is the mom and sometimes life intersects perfectly and we're friends. I think to a certain degree that's true, but I think my mom wishes for Gilmore Girls and I keep wishing for Steel Magnolias. Maybe it's neither and a little closer to Whip It! and neither of us want to say that we're just never going to completely 'get' one another. I love her deeply and can't imagine having a different mom. And I know that I know that I know that she loves me to. And for that reason I am way ahead of the game.

Day Two: Vices

2010-08-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

Vice - 1a: moral depravity or corruption, b: a moral fault or failing, c: a habitual and usually trivial defect or shortcoming

I was originally going to say my vice was chocolate, or romantic comedies, or bad fiction. But, I think a vice if left unchecked can becomed destructive, and while my love of chocolate is intense, I don't forsee it leading to my destruction. After having thought about this today I think my real vice is GOSSIP. Gossip, if left unchecked in my life, could definitely lead to destruction.

Gossip, while fun and sometimes innoucous, often comes from a desire that I have to be the top dog and feel that I have my life together when others do not. I gossip as a way to communicate to people that while others are doing stupid, awkward, or annoying things that I can see their actions clearly and stand above them. Today while meeting with one of my high school students to talk with her about her life, I even said to her "don't tell anyone else I told you this" and then proceeded to share something with her that should have gone unsaid. Earlier in our conversation I told her that if she had to ask herself "is this a good idea or a bad idea" then it was probably a bad idea. In that moment I gossiped while in conversation with her I even thought to myself "should I share this or should I not share this?" If only I had taken my own advice and not shared.

A couple weeks ago I wrote the following in my journal: "Lord Jesus, I am not perfect. Forgive me the way that I sometimes pretend to be. I am embarassed by the way I act sometimes. How I preen and posture and say in my head that I am better than people. That I deserve attention and praise that others don't. I am so thankful for your mercies, oh God...Remind me of my call to see others through the eyes of love. Where there is insecurity, sow confidence rooted in my knowledge of who you have made me as a child of God."

Day 1: Your best friend(s)

2010-08-21T14:43:00.001-07:00

I feel like I write about my friends ALL THE TIME. But I keep doing it because they are my family. They are my nearest and dearest. They are (most days) the very best part of myself. They are my biggest fans and my harshest critics:

Brenna: Brenna and I have known each other for 10 years. When we first met, she was really good friends with my brother, and it wasn't until we started taking theatre classes together, were cast in the same play for the same roles and had to kiss the same boy on stage that we really bonded. We'd stand behind stage, eating pieces of ginger, and jumping up and down with nerves before performing. She's my sister. She's famous to me and I am famous to her. She also inspires me to care for others in a tangible way...to put myself out there and just love people by talking to them, smiling at them, and genuinely listening to their stories.

Maggie: Maggie and I have been friends for 2 1/2 years, but she knows me so well it's like I've rewritten history in my mind to include her in all the most important moments. She knows my story and my history better than most of those who experienced it with me. Maggie is my greatest advocate. She forces me to take care of myself, stand up for what I want, and reminds me that I am worthy and loved by Christ. Maggie is so wonderful I am sometimes stunned that she has chosen me to be her friend.

Katja: When I first met Katja I never thought she'd want to be my friend. Flash to almost 3 years later and a week can scarce go by where we haven't traded at least a dozen texts, emails, IMs, phone messages, calls and Facebook posts. Katja has taught me confidence. In the past whenever someone challenged my ideals I backed down out of fear. Katja challenged me in how I lived my life and then would yell at me (figuratively) when I didn't stick up for myself. My moral convictions, faith in Christ, and commitment to love and serve others has been strengthened tremendously by getting to be friends with Katja. She's also HILARIOUS, incredibly cultured, has introduced me to dozens of remarkable movies I would not have otherwise seen, and she has a marriage that makes me secretly hope I'll get to be married some day too.

Cameron: It is the greatest blessing to me to have my little brother live in Seattle. I've known him his entire life, and we've been good friends for at least half of that. There are countless memories of made up games when we were left home alone, nights of stupid laughter for the years we shared a room, and the hugs that came when our family would get a little crazy. We've started to see one another about once a week, most frequently at Cafe Vivace and every time he confides in me my heart swells that this person who was born my brother becomes my friend a little bit more each day.

Liz: We met on the first day of college at SPU. We talked about Alias, and I'm pretty sure the next day we were best friends. We lived togeter Sophomore year and started meeting together for breakfast and prayer once a week. She's seen me at my worst. She's seen me at my best. We've laughed (a lot), cried (a lot), and thrown things in frustration (only a few times). She is the best gift giver I know and each time she sends me a card, gives me a birthday present, or mails me a Christmas present, I am blown away by the time and thought she put into giving it to me.

So, there it is. They're my fab five - and I could go on for days about Becky, and Karen, and Jaelithe, and Chrissie, and Scott, and Rachel, and Anna, and make it a fab infinity, but I'd give myself carpal tunnel. When I'm discouraged, frustrated, angry at life, I should go back and read this list. Because in each person I've mentioned (and with a million more) I can't ignore the way God has poured his grace out on me. How blessed am I!

New Blogging Challenge: 30 Days of Prompts

2010-08-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

I got this off of my friend Loreen Petzing's Facebook, who got it from a friend, who got it from a friend. I've wanted to write a lot lately. I feel inspired to create, but I don't know what to actually create. Here's the list of topics:

Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your vices
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your siblings
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — Someone that inspires you
Day 7 — Your job
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend that you've never met
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — Your dream vacation
Day 13 — Something you're looking forward to
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — The place you wish you were from
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Something that makes you different
Day 20 — Your favorite television shows
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Your pet peeves
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — A life changing moment
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The thing you most enjoy doing
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — Your talent
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Each day you write about the thing listed and post a picture. I'm really excited!

Motivation and Celebration

2010-07-15T11:24:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to keep motivation for eating well. Exercising isn't a problem because I really enjoy it, but the eating well so I can lose weight just doesn't interest me most of the time. When I'm really motivated is when I feel bad about myself, and I don't want to use that as a reason. I think right now it's my brown pants. They're these really cute brown pants with cream colored pin stripes. Their a size 8 (eek!) and I think I've only worn them three times. Thankfully I only bought them at a consignment store so they're not a pair of pants with the tag still on hanging up unworn.

But, in the midst of needing motivation there is also great cause for celebration. As many of my nearest and dearest know I got a new job that I get to start July 26th! It's working at Taproot Theatre company with their education department and their outreach department. I'm not entirely certain of everything I'm going to be doing, but I am thrilled all the same. The only cause for pause is that it's only 30 hours a week and so I'm currently looking for a part time nanny job in the mornings. I had an interview today with a family (they were a little weird) but I should be okay for the next month or so while I wait for something to come through.

I'm also needing motivation in my walk with Christ right now. I had a slow breakdown on the phone with Becky a couple of weeks ago. It's hard when you don't have the words to articulate your struggles. What it comes down to is that I am exhausted. I'm tired of striving. I have a system set up in my life with very specific inputs and very specific outputs. Nothing is new. Nothing is fresh. It all just feels like work. I had one of my first every willful moments when I for the past month have flat out refused to read my Bible. There's no reason for it. I just don't want to, because picking it up just feels like work. A few weeks ago I was walking and gave an exasperated sigh that turned into a prayer and then a question: What am I doing wrong here? I heard one word as an answer: rest. Stop striving and start resting. The thing is, I don't really know how to do that well. There's a couple ways I'm trying to work on resting, but often it leads to doing nothing.

Or simply adding things to my to-do list. Go for a run. Check. Eat well. Check. Clean my room. Check. Rest. Check. Now what?

I'm thankful for the moments of celebration I've experienced in the midst of my quest for motivation in my faith. I asked a question and I got an answer. Now, I just have to figure out what to do with the answer, and that's a much better place to be in.

Are you pregnant?

2010-07-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

I was sitting at the bus stop today and a stranger casually asked me: "are you pregnant?" I responded with a firm but incredulous "No." She apologized, told me that it was probably because of the shirt I was wearing and then tried to make a little small talk. I sat there and did what I usually do when I get distressed: texted Maggie. She asked me if I punched her in the throat. I told her no, but that the comment totally deflated me. I felt like jumping up and yelling, "I'm trying to lose weight, okay!?!" I also told Maggie that it really pissed me off because I feel like I'm a beautiful until someone does or says something that tells me otherwise.

I know I could lose weight. According to Weight Watchers, I should lose anywhere between 35-50lbs. And I know maybe I should. But I don't really care enough to. Not that much at least. I don't feel like my health is at risk. I go running 3 days a week at least, varying between 3-6 miles. I supplement that with dance and fitness classes or Tae Bo. I make sure to eat at least 5 servings of fruit and vegetables a day. And sometimes I make really bad food choices. Like, really bad. But I'm actually okay with being a size 12 for the rest of my life and firmly landing in the 150's. I'm okay if I never feel comfortable wearing a bikini and just wear shorts and a bathing suit top. I'm okay with that. But other people don't seem to be.

I know I'm beautiful. And as Maggie said, not just in a "God loves me" kind of way, but in a ridiculously good looking way. I really just wish people would stop asking me if I was pregnant.

This is real

2010-06-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

Here is a real comment that we received from a guest who did one of our internet surveys from the hotel. None of this is made up.

"I booked a room from the 3rd of June through the 7th, and then again from the 11th through the 27th. This was done over the internet. Once I arrived everything was above great, when I left on the 7th I was told I would have the same room when I returned, not only did I not get the same room for the first 2 nights of my return my reservation had changed from departing the 27th which is the last ay of my class with Bennett Stellar but to the 17th. I did manage to extend to the 22nd however, I'm told that I have to be out of the room on that date because the hotel is 'overbooked'. I'm at a loss, I booked the room until the 27th, I'm in the room, I need a room until the end of the program that I'm enrolled in which is the 27th, now according to the front desk, I have to vacate so someone else can occupy the room that I'm in. I do not understand, the class I'm enrolled in does not end until the 27, I rented a room here because it was the closest I could get, now I'm being told that I have to leave and find another room somewhere else even thought I have been told the hotel will assist with that, I do not know why it cannot simply 'assist' the 'other people' with their room rental, I'm here why do I have to be the one to leave, it was not my fault that this hotel screwed up on the reservations. If I do actually end up having to relocate, this hotel will get nothing but negative comments and ratings from me from now on. Other people in my class are equally wondering the same as I am, 'why am I the one to have to leave', I'm here now and the other people aren't. The hotel needs to concentrate on the people that are staying here at this time rather than worrying about future tenants. The saying goes something like this, 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.' Enough said, if my problem is not resolved by the 21st I will have more to say."

A couple observations:

1) This guy booked on the INTERNET! He admits that. Now, if he is the one who booked the reservation on the INTERNET whose fault is it that it was booked for the incorrect dates?

2) You want us to send guests with reservations to a different hotel to accomodate your reservation which you booked for the incorrect dates? Funny you suggest that, because I kind of have a feeling that if the situation was reversed and we moved YOU to a different location because our inhouse guests extended then you'd be pissed.

3) This will some day come in very useful if I ever talk about the relationship between Jews and Gentiles and how in the New Testament Jews felt superior to the Gentiles because they had a 'reservation' in the Kingdom of God prior to the Gentiles.

I love my job. Seriously, I do. Where else would we find material this rich?

When what God says to me is different than what God says to you.

2010-06-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

My church has a new worship pastor. This past Sunday my pastor introduced him to the congregation. He mentioned that Eric, the worship pastor, was a late applicant. On Easter Sunday Eric felt that God was telling him to apply for the position and he did. Thankfully for our congregation the hiring committee felt the same way and we've hired him to lead the worship ministry of the church. And now, there is a wonderful testimony for our church community about how God worked specifically in the life of our new worship pastor to bring him into that position.

But, what about the people who felt that God was calling them to this position who were wrong? In past positions that the church hired for, people would write in their cover letter that they were praying and fasting or that they were already looking for new housing in Seattle. Maybe some of these people were...a little overager...but what did this do to their faith when they didn't get the position? Several months ago, maybe 6-9 at this point, I withdrew from consideration for a sales position at a hotel. I knew the moment that I finished the interview that it wasn't good for me and then when I got home I found a position posted on the Youth Specialties website for a youth pastor position in Seattle, WA. I didn't think that God had made the position for me, but I thought it was a perfect fit. Well, six months later they gave the position to someone else.

What do we do with that? God might have told me I was perfect for an admissions job at SPU last year, but they didn't tell SPU that. God might have told Joe that him and Jane were destined to get married, but Jane didn't get the memo.

I don't want to say that God doesn't speak to people in that way. But when the thing does happen do we say that God is speaking and when the thing doesn't happen God was not speaking? Can anyone help me make sense of this?!?

Everything is Fine

2010-06-01T16:09:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write a blog post for two months. There just hasn't been anything that seems exceptional enough to write about. Life for the past two months has been a series of okay, fine, acceptable events. And while that's okay, I guess I just want to be in love with my life again. You know those lists I'm so used to making, the ones where I list everything that I feel so blessed by? It's been a while since I've been able to make one of those things. I could make lists and lists of things that I am okay fine with that I just need to change my outlook on and realize what a blessing they actually are.

Maybe it's a little bit like the runs I go for. The downhill stretches are rejuvenating, the uphill stretches are exhausting but exhilirating, and the straight stretches are boring. But, the boring stretches of the run are good for building stamina and preparing my body for the uphill portions. Even though at times the scenery gets dull and I'd much rather be running on a treadmill because at least then I can watch TV.

So, right now I'm in a boring stretch where everything is okay fine but nothing is exceptional. I don't know what it is that I'd like to see, but something to break up the monotony would be great. Just a baby hill (either up or down) would be great.

Another List

2010-03-30T00:09:00.000-07:00

I was going to post a few different frustrating guest experiences from this weekend, but I don't want to dwell, so instead I am posting a list of YouTube videos that I just love and could watch continually and that make me feel better when guests have overdosed on their jerk pills. Feel free to respond with a link to one you just can't get enough of. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. David Choi doing an acoustic version of Britney Spears' "Womanizer": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOXNxDCtPoA

2. Charlie Bit my Finger: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he5fpsmH_2g

3. Potter Puppet Pals in "The Mysterious Ticking Noise": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4&feature=related

4. Kris Allen performs Kanye West's "Heartless" on Ellen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T62ksehioSA&feature=related

5. Chelsea and Mark dancing to "Bleeding Love" on So You Think You Can Dance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EmWRNp_6l8

6. Literal version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

7. Zombie Kid Likes Turtles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMNry4PE93Y&feature=related

8. Hairo Torre performing on America's Got Talent 2009 (it gets good at 1:44) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGEoXlOKXoM

Oh man, I hope they bring you as much joy as they do me!

An email

2010-03-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

I applied for a job at a church in Bellevue that I would absolutely LOVE to have. I'm pretty sure the cookie cutter they used to make this job description is that of a Suzanne sillhouette. I got the following email today:

"Suzanne, Thank you for your interest in our open position. We'd like to get to know you better. Please see the attached set of questions and get back to us. Thank you, FPCB Interview Team"

Oh my gosh I am excited! Hopefully this means I made it past the first round. The attachment is four questions that I need to answer and then I'm also supposed to provide references. I just spent 10 minutes jotting down a couple of notes for each question and I'm going to work on it Thursday and Friday. Hopefully I can submit it Friday before I go to work.

p.s. If you're wondering about the Seattle First Covenant job, they sent me an email last week saying they were about 1 1/2 months out from making a decision. They were supposed to contact my references three weeks ago but still haven't. It's a smaller church with an all volunteer search committee, so I understand the time it's taking, but it's still hard to be patient. I also applied for a job at SPU (I know, again?) that would be great and I'll hopefully hear back about whether or not I got an interview this week or next week.

Abba's Ragamuffin

2010-03-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

I finished reading The Ragamuffin Gospel, my nonfiction book for March, this morning. It was a library book, so I wasn't able to mark the crap out of it, and I wish I had been reading with someone to talk about it as I went along. Here are a few thoughts I really enjoyed.

"In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us - that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking something beside Him, we lose it" (p. 46).

"Our sincere desire counts far more than any specific success or failure. Thus when we try to pray and cannot, or when we fail in a sincere attempt to be compassionate, God touches us tenderly in return" (p. 83).

"The noonday devil of the Christian life is the temptation to lose the inner self while preserving the shell of edifying behavior. Suddenly I discover I am ministering to AIDS victims to enhance my resume. I find I renounced ice cream for Lent to lose five excess pounds. I drop hints about the absolute priority of meditation and contemplation to creat the impression I am a man of prayer. At some unremembered moment I have lost the connection between internal purity of heart and external works of piety. In the most humiliating sense of the word, I have become a legalist" (p. 131).

"On the last day, when we arrive at the Great Cabin in the Sky, many of us will be bloodied, battered, bruised, and limping. But, by God, and by Christ, there will be a light in the window and a 'welcome home' sign on the door" (p. 187).

I am so thankful for this book. I am so thankful for this image of a ragamuffin. Sometimes I feel bad about my failures in my faith. These past few weeks were pretty difficult for me. I had a stretch of crying 4 days in a row, and for whatever reason, the language that I felt best expressed my feelings an frustrations were swear words. I never let the "f-word" fly, but I let a few others fall from my lips. Usually when I say a curse word it feels foreign, but this past week it was easy. I told some of my friends from work, people who aren't Christians, and they laughed because they understood I had gone through a hard time and that those actions were uncharacteristic for me. Yesterday I told some of my acquaintances, people who are Christians, and I got a half-hearted chuckle and a weird look. Maybe because they thought I had acted inappropriately. Maybe because they didn't understand the impulse. I don't know.

I might not be giving my acquaintances enough credit, and I might just be paranoid. I know my nearest and dearest would not have responded that way, but sometimes I feel more comfortable owning up to my identity as a Ragamuffin for Christ to my friends who don't believe than to those who do.

What I found comforting was the author's word that: "Hey, I've been there, too. And it's all a part of being a Ragamuffin. We're beat up, and bruised, but the story isn't over and our Father who loves you already sees you as beautiful."

Sometimes when I pray for people I pray that God will help form them into the person he created them to be. Maybe instead I should be praying that God will help them see that they already are the person he created them to be. He's told me who I am. I just need to hear that word and live like it is true. I am Abba's Ragamuffin.

The Fasting and the Furious

2010-03-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

For lent this year I am fasting from television and movies unless it serves a social function. My reason is that I have found in the mornings before I go to work I have great ambitions of reading through my ever growing collection of books, or journaling, or reading my Bible. However, I'll make my breakfast and sit down with one of my favorite movies simply as "background noise" and the next thing I know I'm watching Penelope, Ever After, Stardust, He's Just Not That Into You, etc., etc., etc., for the 20 millionth time.

What I have discovered is that making a decision to fast from something without ever making an intentional decision to add something into my life is ineffective. While I may not be watching movies or copious amounts of Ellen, I am now on Facebook more than ever, have become well acquainted with the website "My Life is Average", and spent almost an entire day off catching up on celebrity gossip. I don't even like celebrity gossip! I'm trying to change course the last weeks of lent. Two nights ago I spent a good long while reading (a total candy novel, by the way, but it was delightful), the past could of mornings I have read my Bible/journaled, and last night I planned more for a youth event I'm leading and did an overhaul on my cover letter & resume.

So, what have I learned from all of this? That fasting, like breathing, only works for me when I am commited to both sides of the action. Breathing is only effective when I inhale and then exhale. Only exhaling leads to being short of breath and only inhaling leads to getting light headed. Fasting is important. I know that! But fasting for the sake of fasting has left me either completely empty, or filling the void left by fasting by practices even less satisfying.

It's a learning curve. Not one that I ever expect to perfect. Besides, I kind of do love celebrity gossip. Just a little, though.

Covenantal Friendship

2010-03-04T11:34:00.000-08:00

Last week I said goodbye to one of my best friends as her and her husband moved to San Francisco to start the next chapter of their lives. I was telling one of my other friends about our farewell to one another and she said "you guys sound like you're romantic". She was joking, but I think there was some truth in what she said.

Let's say that I do not get married. What is my alternative in terms of relationships? Am I restricted to friendships that many people would tell me are the shadow of the glory that a marriage relationship is? I don't think so, as I firmly believe being made in the image of God means that I am created to be in relationship with other people. And those relationships that breathe life into the soul are not exclusive to those fortunate enough to find their life partner and get married.

Marriage is a relational covenant. It is one of deep significance and importance. I had lunch with my friend Anna a couple of weeks ago and I loved hearing her talk about her marriage. She told me she had no secrets from Chris and that he was her best friend. At winter camp the week prior I marveled at the way Sean (the worship leader/speaker) would look at Julie when she was speaking to the group. It was as if hearing her speak and pour out her heart before the students and before God was making him fall in love with her again. There is something sacred about marriage.

But there is also something sacred about finding friends who know you deeply and intimately. My friend who moved to San Francisco wrote me a letter before she left, and the thing I was amazed at as I read it was how evident it was that she knew me. And not just facts about me, but the desires and movements of my heart. It is with these people I feel that a covenantal friendship has been established. Much like David's relationship with Jonathan, there is a fierce protectiveness and responsibility for one another. Just the other day I was having breakfast with my roommate and we began talking about one of our mutual friends. I started crying as we began talking about our love for this person and how wrong it is that others failed to see her for the amazing child of God she was. It was my love and care for this friend that moved me to tears, and a genuine desire to see the best and greatest things for her.

Granted, there are certain aspects of a marriage covenant that do not apply to friendship covenants. I'll let you fill in those blanks. But yes, there is something romantic about my relationship with my friends. There is a quietness and a care that doesn't exist in many of my other relationships, and I think that comes from being truly known.

So, for all those that are married and will be getting married. Good for you! I am so happy you have found someone that you desire to spend the rest of your days with. And as iron sharpens iron, I hope your marriage relationship brings out the best in one another. But for those who may not be getting married, take heart, as you have a lifetime of journeying with your deepest and truest friends. Drown out those messages that tell you that friendship is not good enough. Maybe friendship as it is commonly thought of is not enough, but those friendships that speak a word of truth into who you are, those are certainly enough.

Praise be to God that we are not made to journery alone, but that he provides us with fellow sojourners. What a good and gentle God who cares for us by giving us other people.

Fainting

2010-02-27T14:43:00.001-08:00

This is what it feels like when you are on vicodin and haven't eaten enough over the course of the day:

Your face goes really hot, and it sounds like your ears need to pop. You can tell people are speaking to you, but you can't make out anything they are saying. You might begin to feel a little queasy. Then your head starts to feel really heavy and all you want to do is lie down. Finally, you'll black out for about 10 seconds and the next thing you know your boss will be propping you up against a desk at the front desk and keep telling you to sit down. The fun part is that you'll sit at the front desk and drink gatorade, water, and yogurt while guests walk by slightly confused, just assuming you're hanging out and sitting on the ground. You'll feel really cared for when your friend Frank walks to a restaurant and buys you mashed potatoes. But you'll feel kind of awkward because you'll be sweating bullets and not entirely certain of how it happened or why it did.

And if you're me, you'll stay at work and try to work the rest of your shift until it happens again four hours later and you throw in the towel to go home.

p.s. Fainting is not cute. No one looks good doing it. It is not sexy or romantic. Do not believe movies such as "The Wedding Planner" that show it being done in a very fashionable manner. They are lying.

**Based on a true story.

I'm Sick

2010-02-20T23:41:00.000-08:00

For me, stress is my body's defense mechanism. This weekend, with the go go go of camp and all, I didn't have time to get sick. Naturally, I started to get sick on Wednesday so I was good and sick by my first day back to work and badly sick today for my third day of work. This is what I would like to make me feel better:

1. Lots of vacation time so I could stay home and not have to go to work.
2. Homemade chicken noodle soup.
3. A constant supply of hot tea, sweetend just the way I like it.
4. A teleportation device so I don't have to walk to church tomorrow.
5. Some sort of mental gymnastics that convinces me it's okay to go back on my lent commitment of fasting from TV and movies so I can watch all five seasons of Alias and the olympics.
6. One or many of my friends to take shifts to watch said movies/TV shows with me.

Is that too much to ask for?

Job Interview

2010-02-17T12:51:00.000-08:00

I had a phone interview today with Seattle First Covenant Church. They sent me an email on Sunday saying that they had received approximately 15 applicants for the position and I was one of an undisclosed number selected for a phone interview. I interviewed with Carolyn, the associate pastor, and Sarah, a congregant and part of the search committee for almost 45 minutes. I think it went well. As always, it's so hard to gauge how I actually did in the interview. I was told the head of the search committee would be contacting me as to the next step, if there is one for me. If I am selected for the next step, it would be an in person interview.

The position would be 20 hours a week (15 middle/high school ministry, and 5 facilitating elementary ministry) and I'd need to find an alternate job as income supplement. Right now I'm leaning towards finding a nanny position. The youth group is approximately 15 students with very diverse racial and socioeconomic backgrounds. We'll see what the next step is.

I was talking with Becky on the phone yesterday, and I was able to verbalize that the idea of getting a job in a non-ministry context isn't what stresses me out. It's the idea of getting a job in the hospitality industry that sends me into fits of anxiety. What this tells me (because I am just smart and intuitive like that) is that I need to get out of my hotel job. I love the people, I like the job, but I think the position is symbolic for me of never being able to move on. It's not the actual job, but more of what it represents that I am wanting to separate from.

The Godbearing Life

2010-02-02T16:12:00.000-08:00

I did it! I finished my January non-fiction book. I didn't make all of my January goals, but this is one that I did, and it was completely worth it.

There are basically two main premises to the book. #1, we as youth leaders are not called to develop students who attend church regularly. We are called to develop Godbearers; people who offer glimpses of the living God to all those they come into contact with. #2, we need to be Godbearers. Kenda Creasy Dean and Ron Foster (the authors of the book) are not just rewriting the phrase "you can't lead where you haven't been." The implication of that phrase, it often feels, is that the purpose of developing my faith is so that I can be a more effective leader. I grow into my faith SO THAT I can lead others to grow into their faith. Dean and Foster, however, remove the "so that" from the equation. We grow into faith and become Godbearers. Period. This development of our faith, this rooting ourselves in our identity as children of God, this walking step in step with our Creator results in us having a "flammable faith." Dean and Foster write:

Only if we are seasoned and dry and small, only if we remain close to the Flame, only if we allow room for the Holy Spirit to fan the sacred sparks that come to rest in us do we create the conditions for flammable faith...Godbearing youth ministry requires vulnerable leaders, leaders who serve as God's tinder and are ready to catch fire.

This book says it's about Godbearing youth ministry, but I would highly recommend it to EVERYONE who desires to minister, either professionally or in lay leadership.

Reflections on Work

2010-01-29T00:03:00.000-08:00

This morning I received a call from the Director of Sales at the hotel. As I had only been awake for 15 minutes I let the call to go to voicemail. I listened to the voicemail almost immediately after it was left and heard the following (more or less): "Suzanne, thank you for applying for the Group Sales Position. I'm really glad you applied and you were a great candidate, but we've gone with 'so-and-so' who is currently an account manager at our Kent property and has a sales background."

I wasn't upset because I wanted the job desperately, but more because my pride was hurt. Both of my managers I interviewed with had very positive things to say about me, but it felt like one more opportunity I just wasn't quite good enough for. Today was kind of weird being at the hotel and seeing the DOS and my General Manager. I didn't bring it up or discuss it with them but just acted like nothing happened. What else was I supposed to do? In addition to that I also got written up for dropping $100 short from my till at work on Sunday. So, in conclusion, the day at work wasn't great.

I'm fine with being at the front desk until I find my next job. I'm good at my job, I like my job, and I enjoy each and every person I work with. I just feel ready for the next thing.

My other blog

2010-01-27T21:53:00.000-08:00

I started a new blog called the 15 Week Challenge. It's a way for me to focus on my health for the next 15 weeks (it's 15 weeks until my birthday) and see if in 15 weeks I can change my life for good by putting some healthy habits into place. I also wanted to keep it separate from this blog since this is a blog about my life, and all the ups and downs. While getting healthy is a part of my life, I didn't want to make it the center of it.

If you're interested in that part of me, and the challenges that come with it, dash on over to suzannetownsend15weeks.blogspot.com and check it out.

This is when living by faith gets difficult

2010-01-19T16:04:00.000-08:00

I applied for a job as a youth director. A huge leap of faith for me b/c it means not just helping with a youth ministry, but being the one in charge.

I am also applying for a job as an account manager at the hotel I currently work at.

Getting the youth director job would mean a chance to be in a position where I get to work with a church, youth, parents, teach, and try to put into practice my philosophies of ministry. Oh yeah, and it's what I feel I have been gifted and equipped to do.

Getting the account manager job would mean that my nights and weekends would be free which would allow me to begin volunteering with Street Youth Ministries, begin teaching a couple different classes at my church, and in general have a life. It would also provide me with financial stability and give me resources that allow me to be financially generous towards others.

Now here's the rub: applications for the account manager position are due Friday, and a decision will most likely be made by next Friday. I contacted the selection committee about the church job and they won't be contacting candidates until next week. So...if I get the account manager job I would potentially need to make a decision about accepting the job without knowing if I am being considered for the church ministry job.

I don't feel that God intentionally tests us very often, but I do feel like this is a test of faithfulness. I believe there's a reason that these two opportunities are coming up simultaneously. Both opportunities will be rich with blessings and benefits, but which is best? My friend asked me how I would feel if I accepted the account manager job and then found out the next week I was being considered for the youth job. The truth is I would be heartbroken. And yes, I am terrified that I will say no to an opportunity and then be turned down for the other, leaving me in the exact same place that I am today. Except, maybe I wouldn't be in the same place. I'll be in the same job, yes, but I'll be someone who acted out of a motivation to be faithful.

Maybe I am getting anxious for nothing. Maybe I'll be turned down for the account manager job and my decision will be an easy one. Maybe I'll find out about the youth director position earlier than I had anticipated. Regardless of what happens, my prayer is the same. Give me the strength, Jesus, to live by faith and not by sight.

Twenty-Four

2010-01-13T23:45:00.000-08:00

Last night me, Maggie, Jaelithe went to go see Switchfoot at the Showbox theatre. Whenever I go see Switchfoot I get stuck on their music for a while. I went running to Switchfoot today, and timed almost perfectly to the end of my run was the song "Twenty-Four". I almost started crying as I listened to the entire song while walking in the rain and cooling down. It was like I was hearing parts of the song for the first time ever, and it almost became a prayer:

I want to see miracles, see the world change

Wrestled the angel, for more than a name

For more than a feeling

For more than a cause

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And You're raising the dead in me

This part of the song is referring to Jacob wrestling the angel of the Lord. When Jacob is done wrestling the angel touches his hip and leaves Jacob with a limp. Maybe most importantly, God gives Jacob a new name. He goes from being named Jacob meaning "supplanter", to Israel meaning "God persists or contends." His wrestling with God transforms him from one who deceives and manipulates for his own purposes to one who strives with God and helps birth God's nation. He wrestled with the angel of the Lord, and then received a blessing. BUT!!! Jacob did not wrestle the angel in order to receive a blessing.

So often I feel like I am striving with God under the expectation (demand?) that out of that striving I receive a blessing. What if the striving is the point and not the blessing that comes from it? What if the striving ceases and no blessing comes? What if the striving is the blessing?

I feel like I am in a period of time where I am wrestling with God, and my thought has been "once this is over, I'll be blessed." My radical question is this: is the fact that I am striving, and that I have breath to be wrestling with God, a sign that I have already been blessed?

Contentment

2010-01-05T12:19:00.000-08:00

What's that sound? Oh, it's me jumping on the bandwagon and writing a list about my goals for the new year.

1. Run a marathon: My friend Heather is getting married in July, so we're going to train for a marathon as a way to whip my butt into shape and keep her butt in shape for the wedding. Speaking of, I should be leaving my house for a run right about now...

2. Read one non-fiction book a month: This was going to be "read one book" but if I get sucked into a fiction book then I can get through one every 2-3 days while my list of non-fiction books I'd like to read grows, and grows, and grows.

3. Get serious about getting healthy: This isn't a "if I lose weight I'll be prettier" thing. My self image is strong, praise the Lord. This is a "if I lose weight I'll be healthier" thing.

4. Continue working on getting out of debt: My American Express card should be paid off within the next 6 months and then I'll start chipping away at my other credit card debt. All of my credit card bills were a result of school debt (books, extra tuition, etc.) and I look forward to casting it aside.

5. More frequent correspondence with my out of state friends: This is going to be even more important as one of my closest friends moves out of state next month.

6. Find a job that I love: Please Lord Jesus, please.

7. Live with joy: I want to wake up each morning ready to face the day with my arms lifted in praise.

8. Love with reckless abandon: My friends, my family, my youth group, my co-workers. I pray that God will help develop me into a person that loves fiercely, with little concern about what it may cost me, and loves boldly with little concern about what the world thinks of that act. This isn't me wanting to be a doormat for the abusers in my life or a raging liberal that finds all things to be permissible. This is me praying, pleading, that my life is so filled by the love of Christ that my love for others overflows abundantly.

9. Prayer: Enough said.

10. Travel: This year I want to go one place I've never been before. Maybe Nashville to visit Liz. Maybe Ohio to visit Erin. Maybe Vancouver, B.C. just because it's close.

So, I gave into peer pressure, or maybe it was blog pressure as all of my friends with blogs had already posted something about the new year. But, these things are written down, and it's up to me to have them happen. Without further ado, I'll be leaving now for a 3 mile run...something that'll get me closer to goal #1.

Marathon Training Day #1

2009-12-28T01:45:00.000-08:00

To date I have ran three half marathons, and in June I have plans to run a full marathon. Tomorrow is day one of my training. I haven't gone running in over a month, and I have a feeling this is going to be the most painful 3 mile run of my life! But, I found that little ear warmer thing that keeps my ears from getting frost bite and for Christmas I got an iPod holder to wear around my arm when I go running. My running shoes have about two more months in them, and my iPod is fully charged, so there is really NO excuse to keep me from going.

I should probably get to bed, so I don't use the excuse of not having enough sleep.

My practices of health and well being (reading my Bible, running, eating well, journaling, etc.) were thrown out of the window while I was in Vancouver this last week and when I went to my weigh-in on Saturday I definitely found I had suffered the consequences. Eeek! What is it about being there that makes me lose motivation to take care of myself? Just a couple months ago I wrote that I thought I was living a half life here in Seattle, and I wondered if Seattle would ever feel like home. Well, it's my third year living here since graduating from college, and it's finally starting to. That's also how much time it took for me to feel at home at SPU. Up until that point I thought for sure I was going to transfer to a different college after my sophomore year.

Maybe there's something about the third year...maybe it's magic.

p.s. Christmas pics soon!

Dr. Seuss Christmas Party

2009-12-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday night our youth group had a Dr. Seuss themed Christmas party. Here are a few of my favorite memories:

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish!

From left to right: Jon, Marika, Maggie and Myself

From left to right: Marika, Maggie, Josh, and Tim

I created a long and elaborate story about what is going on in this picture, but all that really needs to be said is that it is hilarious.

From left to right (starting with the boy): Evan, Bella, Kylea, Sage, and Natalia

I absolutely adore the above photo, and it means even more when I look and realize that 4 out of the 5 of these students only began attending youth group this year! Pretty amazing that they have come, gotten connected, and started to build a place for them here.

And every good youth group party can only end one way: the hokey pokey.

I found a church on Capitol Hill that is hiring for a part time youth director. I have discovered that youth ministry jobs are pretty hard to come by here in Seattle, so I feel like I need to respond quickly, and I know I'll apply. It's within a good, strong denomination (Covenant) that is very supportive of women in ministry and would be a great opportunity to spread my wings and see how far God can carry me. But, to go there, would mean to leave everything above. And everything above is just so great.

Dress up

2009-12-09T22:58:00.001-08:00

I had a job interview today for an account manager position at a hotel. I have realized that the non profit jobs I am seeking are not calling me back because I don't have non profit experience. I have passion, and desire, but no experience. My plan was (is?) to get a regular 9-5pm job that would free up my evenings and weekends to get the experiences I need by volunteering with New Horizons or Street Youth Ministries.

My interviewer was 15 minutes late, so I went to the restroom to freshen up. I looked in the mirror and saw me, wearing a pair of freshly dry cleaned grey slacks, a long sleeved black shirt, black blazer, makeup, with my hair neatly kept and I was struck by my reflection. I felt like I looked like a kid playing dress up. The thought came across my mind like a flash and it scared me a little bit.

I shook it off long enough to engage in the two hour interview. At the end of today's interview with the Director of Sales and then the General Manager, I knew I'd be sending my interviewers an email withdrawing from consideration for the position. The primary reason is that the position would require I purchase a car, which I cannot do with a clear conscience because of the financial burden. As I was riding the bus home (1 1/2 hours long ride) I asked myself, "what am I doing?" Looking at my reflection at the hotel I knew: this isn't me.

I can't work as an account manager at a hotel. It's not what I'm wired to do. I feel like I am back at square one. Scratch that, I'm at square zero. I asked God to make it clear to me what I should do. I just didn't think his response would knock me down on my butt.

Dear God, it's a good thing I trust you, otherwise I'd be pissed off right now. Amen.

My Puffy Vest

2009-12-08T15:48:00.000-08:00

Two years ago a guest at the hotel I work at gave me a puffy vest for Christmas. I wear this vest rarely, and actually had it in a Goodwill bag until the freezing temperatures in Seattle encouraged me to take it out of the Goodwill bag this morning. The reason I don't wear the puffy vest is because it makes me feel like a marshmallow. Not one of those cute little mini marshmallows, but one of those large jumbo marshmallows. But, today my puffy vest made me feel beautiful, and it's because the geniuses at Old Navy had written this on the label:

"She couldn't decide. She loved the magic of a city skyline on a snowy night, but a country meadow under a blanket of snow made her heart beat faster. The truth is everything looks beautiful in winter, including you."

Thanks Old Navy, for the self esteem boost!

Thanksgiving

2009-12-02T12:29:00.000-08:00

My Favorite Thanksgiving Moments

1. Watching my little brother put together an amazing feast completely by himself, including a wonderfully moist turkey, homemade stuffing, and sauteed brussel sprouts.

2. Getting to be Cameron's sous chef the night before and helping him cut homemade ravioli.

3. Watching Cameron and Trystan (he's nine years old now, oh my gosh) play a ridiculous role playing game and being very intent as they played together.

4. Playing the board game "Infection" with Cameron and Jason and having the following conversation - Cameron: If Jason comes back and wins this game, I am going to be so done playing. Me: Well, yes you will be done playing, because Jason would have won the game.

5. Sitting at the kitchen table and reading my mom journal entries that I wrote when I was 12 and 13 years old. Oh, the angst.

6. Being requested moment by moment by my niece Willow (now five years old!) to sit by her at dinner, while playing games, and just relaxing in the living room.

Sometimes I think about giving up on family holidays. They bring such anxiety, and tension, and hurt feelings. But I just listed out 6 reasons my Thanksgiving was worth it, and I know that with a little more thought I could have come up with 6 more. So, maybe a few moments of anxiety is worth the 12 that I'll probably remember longer.

Conversation and confections

2009-11-25T19:49:00.000-08:00

I got into Vancouver last night only to find my mom gone for the night which meant I needed to break into my own home. I had flashbacks of high school when I'd lock my key inside the house. Last night I had ice cream at Ice Cream Renaissance with Brenna (sorry, Seattle, but you can't do ice cream like ICR) and today I had gelato with Megan in Portland on NW 23rd. Two nights of frozen confections and two nights of conversation with incredible women who love God.

Dear Jesus, thank you for these moments. Thank you for giving me a foundation of relationship and community to see me through the greatest trials and storms. Thank you that these relationships have stood the test of time and space. Thank you for helping us to have grace with one another as we grow together and closer to you. Thank you for these sacraments and by your power making the ordinary extraordinary.

The Postal Service

2009-11-22T20:31:00.000-08:00

Over the past few months I have gone from being someone who doesn't 'get' The Postal Service (as in, the band) into someone who thoroughly enjoys their music. I think this change has something to do with the fact that we've spent many moments together walking in the rain. That experience always bonds people. It has also bonded me to Rilo Kiley and Sigur Ros. Granted, I have bonded with these artists about 5 years after it was 'cool' to bond with them. However, I think this suits me as I am not a trendsetter.

I am more of a re-Trendsetter.

The perfect house...found!

2009-11-21T15:31:00.000-08:00

Last week Kelly, Karen and I signed our lease, got our keys and now we are slowly moving into our new place! It is absolutely beautiful and a definite upgrade from our previous location. It feels like a real grown up place to live. I'll be packing my belongings on Monday and then hopefully moving almost everything on Tuesday, which is my day off.

It's a three story townhouse and this is what I like most about it:
1. It's near a lot of bus lines and two blocks away from Safeway.
2. My room has a small patio off of it.
3. There is hardwood floors in the kichen/living room.
4. FIREPLACE!
5. Gas stove!

Hopefully I'll post pictures soon.

The Holidays

2009-11-09T20:05:00.001-08:00

I get to visit my family in Vancouver on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

:)

The search for the perfect house

2009-11-04T16:33:00.001-08:00

When Karen and I moved in together last year, there was a conversation we had where I explained that I was applying for a job in Germany and I could be leaving as early as June, six months early from the end of our lease. And now, it's November, I am not in Germany and it's time to find a new place.

I got pretty anxious yesterday when Karen and I were talking about it. In part, that is because we have a third roommate we're adding into the mix which means we now have the opinions and needs of an entire new person to consider.

But from more than just a logistical perspective, signing a lease just feels so definite. It roots me in this time and this place for at least a year. And while I have no plans to leave, I don't feel the need to stay. I'm trying to look for things that anchor me a little more to my life here in Seattle. I applied for a job working with youth in Seattle that I think would be utterly amazing. I'm trying to reconnect with my church, which is hard, after going on involvement overload during my two year internship.

It can sometimes feel like a half life here in Seattle. I have my friends, and intentionally seek to expand that circle to include people at church and work. It just feels different, though. Last week, Karen's mom asked me about my job search and invited me over to her house for Thanksgiving and I realized how strange it was for me to have an adult in Seattle express motherly care to me.

I wonder if my Vancouver life and my Seattle life will ever feel like one life. And if I move somewhere else, how will I remember my Seattle life? Who would have thunk that searching for the perfect house would lead to such questions?

Step Six

2009-10-20T14:52:00.001-07:00

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

I am taking a class at my church called "The Twelve Steps: A Spiritual Journey." It takes the 12 steps of recovery and applies them to emotional healing. I haven't done my homework for step six yet, and I feel like I am in college again procrastinating the assignment until the last possible minute. I don't know why the homework for this class makes me so uncomfortable. Maybe it's that once you write something down, and say it aloud, you have to deal with the reality of the words that have been spoken. When those words are spoken, I cease to have control over it. I can't control how my group hears those words, or how they will respond, or their thoughts surrounding them. For a control freak like me, that's a pretty large leap to have to make.

Pretty in Pink

2009-10-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago I bought two new DVDs: Pretty in Pink and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I remembered how much I absolutely LOVED Pretty in Pink and have watched it about 4 times since then. In tribute to John Hughes, I am going to be Duckie Dale for Halloween (on the left), my roommate will be Iona (middle), and our friend Elizabeth is going to be Andie (on the right). I am so excited! I even asked for the night off work, although as of yet we don't have any plans. I will figure something out, though. Even if it's stealing a child to go trick or treating. :)

***UPDATE*** Our Molly Ringwald is going to be in Portland for Halloween, so instead Karen, Katja and I are going to go see Where the Wild Things Are at the imax. Just as good!

I think about it over and over again

2009-10-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

I have found that there are certain lessons that you can try to teach yourself, and that others can try to teach you, all without success. It takes something to finally *click* for that lesson to be learned. I feel like it's finally all *clicking* in terms of what I am wanting out of the next couple years of my life in terms of a career. I'll try to be concise.

I was lucky in college, especially, to get good feedback from my professors and peers about what they thought I was capable of. However, these high expectations bring with it an undue amount of pressure. For the past two years I have just felt entirely unspectacular. It's like I'm waiting for my life to begin. For something to jumpstart things, but I wouldn't be able to recognize the "it" even if it bit me in the face. Which is unfortunate, because it would probably hurt.

My internship ended at the end of August, and I turned down an opportunity to work at the church in a part time capacity. I was afraid I would be settling for what's easy instead of going out of my comfort zone and trying something completely new. Now, I'm trying to trust and have faith that the something I am waiting for will reveal itself to me. In the meantime, though, I am trying to heed the advice of a dear friend and of myself (in my better moments) and spend a lot less time worrying about the future and a lot more time being the person that God desires for me to be. This doesn't mean I've decided to stay at the hotel forever, but that I have found contentment in the time of transition. It's a good place to be. It's a good place...

My book list, again

2009-09-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

I've been doing quite a bit of reading over the past month or so, all fiction. Here's what's been on my list.

Daniel Deronda: I read this book mostly because it was a BBC series that I tried to make myself like. So, I tried to do the same with the book. George Eliot is a phenomenal writer, and she paints very vivid word pictures. Unfortunately the main character didn't end up with who I wanted him to, and some parts of this book were way too smart for me. But, I absolutely LOVE the character of Gwendolen.

One Mississippi: So sad. Not even going to get into it. Really funny in parts, but incredibly tragic.

The Knitting Circle: In that new genre of "women get together and bond over a craft and heal together without even realizing that's what they need." Some of the stories were incredibly believable but the device the author used to tell the stories got a little old.

Housekeeping: Marilyn Robinson writes prose like she's writing poetry. I'd reread this book in a book group as I think my tendency to read too fast cause me to miss some of the juiciest language and descriptions.

Where the Heart Is: Amazing! Read it in one day. Love the movie, love the book, love that they are very different form one another. Love it all.

The Passion of Mary-Margaret: I thought I would hate this book, but really liked it actually. I thought it was going to do the Redeeming Love thing and retell the story of Hosea, but that wasn't the case at all. I like that the main character was a modern day Christian mystic, but also an incredibly likeable woman. If I ever have kids, I might name my son Jude, as a form of tribute.

Right now I am reading a Salman Rushdie book and think I need to read it with a dictionary at hand because his vocabulary is far more vast than mine. I requested Northanger Abbey on CD from the library (I've read it once before) and want to load chapters onto my iPod so I can listen to it as I go running. So, that's what we have thus far. I need to read some more nonfiction. It takes me longer, but it's worth it.

Half dreaming half sleeping

2009-08-22T22:15:00.001-07:00

The other night, in a half asleep state, I stumbled out of bed to open my window. In the process, I stepped on a picture frame that I had so carelessly left on the floor of my bedroom and heard the glass crack. As I lay in my bed, I wished that when I awoke I'd find I had only broken the picture frame in my dreams and that it would be whole when daylight came.

Half dreaming and half sleeping never work in my favor. The picture frame was still broken. And all those shadows of longing that I experience in my dreams, from cars, to clothing, to relationships, remain in the purgatory of cognition.

Living the life of a Seattle stereotype

2009-08-19T13:49:00.001-07:00

Today on my way to the church to prep for youth group I was blown away by the realization that I am a Seattle stereotype, but hopefully in the best possible way, and I think only in that moment. I was wearing my Adidas flip flops (my official shoe of summer), listening to my iPod, drinking an iced latte, and wearing obnoxiously large black sunglasses. And this realization made me laugh really hard, even out loud a little bit. The only thing missing from this Seattle image was a copy of The Stranger tucked under my arm and a large Golden Retriever.

But, then, the ice melts in my latte, the sunglasses cause unseemly nose sweat, I get scared walking with an iPod because I can't hear people coming up behind me, and a summer of wearing the same shoes incessantly has led to large patches of dry skin. Behind the veneer of THIS Seattle stereotype is a sweaty, dog hating, watered down latte, iPod has run out of batteries, girl laughing hard at herself and all those just like her.

A once in a lifetime opportunity

2009-08-02T11:21:00.000-07:00

I got pooped on by a bird today as I was walking to church.
I didn't notice until I got to church and my friend Nick said "What's on your sweater."
I've never been pooped on by a bird before, and I'm a little bummed that the first time it happens I didn't realize it actually happened. I am thankful, however, that the bird just pooped on the hem of my cardigan and not on my head. Because having a bird poop on your head and not realizing it is much more problematic.

Mid Summer Thoughts

2009-07-28T14:49:00.001-07:00

Haven't updated this in a WHILE. In case you're wondering, my summer time checklist is not progressing well. I've only applied for one job, because I have only found one that I am actually excited and energized to apply for. I can't zip up my green dress yet, but I have 3 1/2 more weeks until Chrissie's wedding. Little Si might not happen, but I'll be supplementing Snoqualmie Falls. And my to-do list for Summer Camp feels like it is getting longer, and I'm starting to stress out.

Right now I am finding solace from the 95 degree heat (in Seattle!) in a coffee shop near my apartment and preparing a talk on Philippians 3 for youth group tomorrow. As I've been checking my email, updating Facebook, etc., I stumbled upon this article: http://www.comcast.net/articles/sports-general/20090726/Worlds/.

Michael Phelps was beat out at the world champions in the 200 meter race by an unknown German swimmer who also broke the world record. Michael Phelps responded with a complete lack of graciousness and threw an adult sized fit. He blamed the sleek suit his competitor wore. He blamed not having trained much the past 6 months. His coach did the same. He was barely able to pose for photographs with Paul Biederman, the man who won the race, and stripped himself of his own silver medal as soon as he stepped off the podium. As I read this article I couldn't help by think: where did gracious competition go? Does being used to winning give anyone an excuse to be a sore loser? So, the suit did give Biederman a two second advantage, but that's swimming in a life of technical advances. So, he hasn't been training for six months, but not doing well is a consequence of that. I know that the world sees Michael Phelps as a role model for setting a goal, meeting it, and being an all around bad ass. But, come on man. You're an adult. Shake the gold medal winner's hand, and stop being a baby.

p.s. The pictures are from a photo scavenger hunt the youth group did last week. I love my job.

My Green Dress

2009-07-13T01:18:00.000-07:00

Every time I use my computer, I sit in my big huge bedroom chair, and directly across from me is my favorite item of clothing hanging up on my wall. This beautiful green dress, which I purchased from a store called "Wish" here in Seattle has never really fit me, but I'd like to wear it for my friend Chrissie's wedding in August. Please, oh please, health and fitness gods, have my hard work pay off by allowing me to wear this dress.

40 days more to go, and then hopefully it'll finally get a well deserved night on the town.

The internet: more than I bargained for

2009-07-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting in my room for the past hour and a half wasting time on the internet. Sometimes I'm embarassed to admit that I do that, but I'm hoping I'm not alone. For the past 15-20 minutes I have been reading people's blogs. I love the "next blog" feature at the top of the page because I never know what I'm going to stumble on. More often than not the blogs are not written in English, and if they are they're usually about paper doll collecting or random family pictures. Still, it's an incredible reminder to me of how many people actually exist in this world. And while I'm reading about strangers' adventures in Germany, or card making, or which youtube videos Danish people find to be the funniest, I start to think that these random snapshots are the reality most people experience.

But then I stumble on a blog like this: http://iraqideadbodys12.blogspot.com/. (Viewer discretion advised).

You can see it in the name of the blog. It's photos of dead Iraqis. People I have never heard the names of. People that maybe we in America don't know exist. And my head starts spinning, and I feel like I want to cry even though no tears come. Then I'm angry with myself for not crying. Why can I cry when my friend and I get into a fight, but not when I am slapped in the face by the brokenness of this world?

And it's time like these I lift up a quick prayer: Lord Jesus, come back soon, because we are destroying ourselves.

I know I'm supposed to be someone who is sowing hope and loving well. Someone who tries to restore hope and whisper peace in the name of Christ to others. Somedays it just feels much harder than other days.

I am reminded of Pride and Prejudice when Mr. Bennett is speaking to Lizzy and blaming himself for his daughter Lydia's foolish actions. Elizabeth tries to console him and he responds by saying, "I am heartily ashamed of myself, Lizzy. But don't despair; it'll pass, and no doubt more quickly than it should."

The cure for the summertime blues...

2009-07-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

...is making lists! I considered for a second changing the name of my blog to "Lists", much in the vein of 11points.com (hilarious website), but didn't want to pigeon hole myself too much. My road trip to San Francisco and running the half marathon with Heather were two big summer time moments for me, and now I'm thinking about what else I want to accomplish this summer. Here's what I have so far. As I accomplish each one this summer, I'll write a new blog entry about it, which will hopefully take me through the summer with blog entries.

1. Have sleepover/hang out time with my small group

2. Hike either Mt. Si or Little Si

3. Wear my green dress

4. Find a new job

5. See any combination of my nieces and nephews

6. Summer camp

7. Go to Discovery Park, maybe trail run

8. WICKED! (The musical. My brother is going to buy me a ticket as my birthday present!)

9. Chrissie's wedding

That's all I have for now. I know it's summer, for the calendar tells me so, but I don't quite believe it yet. This weekend is 4th of July. My past two 4th of Julys have been AWESOME, but this year I'll be working and dealing with people who feel they're entitled to everything and drunk guests returning from watching fireworks explode. It'll be great!

Things that make me feel like me

2009-06-27T22:27:00.001-07:00

I love lists. I always have. And I started thinking about the half marathon I ran today (taking 21 minutes off of my previous half marathon time. Heck yes!) and visiting with Scott and Becky. Which led to my needing to make a list. These are all things that help me feel more like me.

1. Making people laugh.
2. Talking with friends for 3 hours straight.
3. Setting a goal, and then exceeding my own expectations.
4. Giving and receiving really good hugs.
5. Wearing the color green.
6. Drinking the perfect cup of tea.
7. Running
8. Wordless conversations
9. Sitting in the sun
10. Finishing a good book.

Hmmm...missing from this list is something that was really helping me make sense of me: reading my Bible and journaling. I've been out of this discipline for the past month or so. And I miss it. Yet, somehow I forgot I missed it.

Last Chance Harvey

2009-06-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as I was running random errands, I happened to stop at Hollywood video. Lo and behold, their movies were buy two get two free. I was kind of raised to be a movie nut, and so despite my commitments to live simply, cheap movies are hard to resist. I purchased Penelope, Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist, The Visitor, and Last Chance Harvey. Last night my roommate and I broke in my movies by watching Last Chance Harvey.

It was a sweet, simple, and uncomplicated story about two people who fall in love. Uncomplicated, however, doesn't mean superficial or easy. It was simple in that both of the main characters were not tempted to create needless problems in their relationship. There was oppeness and true vulnerability. This vulnerability and oppeness led to difficulties, as opening one's self up to anyone often leads to. But, they weren't the kind of difficulties that resulted from someone sabotaging a relationship, or deceiving someone intentionally, or hiding their true self. It was refreshing to watch a movie that swam against the message that the more foibles and miscommunications in the beginning of a relationship, the more likely it's meant to be.

It's a tale as old as time. Two people meet. Two people fall in love. But unlike many movies, when I imagined the life of the characters post "The End" I didn't see them separating for some inevitably silly reason. I could see these two characters actually making it, and that was, for lack of a better word, nice.

Decisions

2009-06-13T01:21:00.000-07:00

Spent the whole afternoon in San Francisco.

Belly is full with chicken pesto fettucini.

Should I stay up an hour and finish prepping the last chapter of Habakkuk so that tomorrow I can put together an outline?

Or do I sleep now?

Sleep. Or study.

Just breathe...

2009-06-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

On June 28th I will be preaching at my church on the Book of Habakkuk. That's right...in big church. I was a little disappointed to find out I'd be preaching at the 8:30am service since that is a service I have never attended, it's super early, and I am scared of that group for a number of reasons (namely, some of them don't feel women should be preaching). However, I'm working on getting over it and feeling blessed by the opportunity. I'm almost there, but I'm still scared. Here's why...

1. I am afraid of misrepresenting the text. This fear will pass as I will be writing my outline alongside three pastors who will also be preaching that Sunday.
2. I'm afraid my pastor will conclude I'm not a gifted teacher. This would be a little devastating since it brings me great joy to teach and I also highly value my pastor's opinion.
3. I'm flat out scared I'm going to do a bad job. Get nervous. Forget my notes. Throw up. Insert devastating public speaking outcome here.

I have a month to prepare. I'm going to study chapter one tomorrow and take it from there. Please God, help me to remember that knowledge puffs up but love builds up. Please help me to turn aside from the wisdom of the world and remember that your wisdom looks like foolishness to the world. Help me God to prepare well and rejoice in being made to look a fool.

Amen.

Spring Cleaning

2009-05-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

Spring cleaning for me doesn't really exist. It's more like my bedroom descends into a state of madness until I have a day off and can clean it. Today is that day and I have made several discoveries so far.

1) After a year of searching, I still can not find my passport. Goodbye England, Spain, Dublin, and Dominican Republic stamps. It's the most bizarre thing, however I noticed my social security card is also missing, which leads me to believe that in a genius move I put them together somewhere to keep them safe, and have now lost them.

2) After several weeks of searching, I cannot find my O2 book that Richard wrote. Farewell Rule of Life.

3) I reread a couple of my essays from my study abroad term and looked at my curriculum project and got reminiscent about how much I loved being in school and how much fun it was, and how (not to be vain) I was REALLY good at being a student. I think I miss it, but I don't know if I'll go back.

4) I need to buy more picture frames and hang the ones I have up on the wall which will require I rearrange my bedroom or else there will be nowhere to hang them. Harumph.

Today is the day things will be accomplished.

Who says you can't go home?

2009-05-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

I arrived in Vancouver today via train. I stepped off the platform and my brother said "Hi, you slut." I said, "shut up you bastard." He put me in a head lock, gave me a noogie, and to get out of his grip I bit his side. Then later in the afternoon we got into a slap and kicking fight on the couch, he locked me outside, stole my shoes, I stole his shoes and threw them into the bushes, he sprayed me with the hose until I gave him back his shoes, but before I did I spit in one of them. Then he got me into another headlock, gave me another noogie, and I pinched his side until he let me go. Then while we were cooking dinner he put gravy on my cheak, I put it on his sweater, I punched him in the stomach, and he gave me a dead leg. Rinse, and repeat, and you have our evening.

I told Cameron tonight that if I ever meet a guy who isn't totally creeped out by the fact that we still beat each other up, I know I have a keeper. I need to get in shape though, because it's completely unacceptable that he can beat me up without even trying.

The Literary Corner

2009-04-29T15:04:00.001-07:00

I made many resolutions this year, but haven't done a very good job of keeping most of them. I have kept one, which was to read one book a month that I had been intending to read, but just never got around to. This is what I have read so far and a couple brief thoughts on each:

Pre-New Year's Eve:
Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller: It took me a while, but this book was actually pretty impactful. Miller uses an analogy of a lifeboat, and who would be valuable to keep on such a boat. I realized I spend much of my life trying to be someone worthy of keeping on the boat when Jesus spent his time with people who no one would keep on a lifeboat.
Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott: A good reminder to pay attention to the beauty of the world around me.
Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen: What can I say? I'm a sucker for Jane Austen.

January/February:
A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn: And this is where my cyncism with the American and world political system began. A huge reminder to do as Jesus says and give to God what is God's and unto Caesar what is Caesar's.
Persuasion by Jane Austen: Two young people fall in love, her family disapproves and separates them. Years later they are reunited and she is very much in love with him, but he is trying to persuade himself that he is no longer in love with her. COME ON! This is the stuff today's romantic comedies try to capture, but they will always fall short.

March:
SexGod by Rob Bell: This was supposed to be Mere Christianity but I couldn't find a copy of the book. Who would have thunk? This one will need to be reread, preferably with a friend who's also reading it so we can discuss as we go along. I did find great comfort in Bell's discussion of singleness as the first choice option and not as a fall back plan.
Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne: I realize I jumped on this bandwagon a little late, but at least I got on board. In truth, I've always been on board with the kind of vision that Claiborne casts and am constantly struggling with how to change my life to more accurately reflect God's kingdom. I don't think I'm ever going to figure it out, but I'm ready for the fight. And I gave away about 5 winter hats and scarves still leaving me with a hat and three scarves, all of which were gifts that I didn't feel I could give away. It's a small step, but hopefully one in the right direction.

April:
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens: I thought I would hate it, but once I got past the first two or three chapters, I got sucked in. I will also forever be wary of my friends when they knit around me.
The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey: Not finished with this one yet, but it has been very encouraging to read a book that's sole purpose is to lead you to know Christ as he truly is. It has been hard, however, to see Jesus' preferential treatment for the poor, and then to see how uncomfortable church now makes the poor. What happened there?

So far, so good. I haven't been dazzled by any, but I have enjoyed them all. Up next month is a light classic, Crime and Punishment. Yeah, we'll see how that goes.

I love to laugh!

2009-04-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

My internship is wrapping up, but I'm looking forward to still being a youth ministry volunteer next year and maybe through the summer. One thing I'm going to miss, though, is the laughing chemistry I have with my fellow youth interns this year. I rarely ever laugh as hard as I do as when I'm with Liz and Callie especially. Whether it be because of too many pancakes, or Jon Bon Jovi, or Saturday Night Live skits, or singing Limp Bizkit songs there's always plenty to keep us entertained and laughing until my projectile tears start flowing and our stomachs start hurting. I don't think I anticipated enjoying working with them as much as I do, and I feel so blessed.

It makes me think, too, of all the incredible people that I've met over the past 23 years, and how relationships come and go. How, despite all the great people I've met, they're are many more I'll never meet, or great people I've met but never had the opportunity to build friendships with. And sometimes I think about what would have happened if I hadn't gone to SPU and met Liz, or started working at the hotel and met Katja, or began attending Bethany and met Maggie. There's no rhyme or reasons to these thoughts. Just musings about how great some people are, and how lucky I feel to have met a few.

Here's to the future

2009-04-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

I applied for two jobs tonight. One is working at Group Health as a receptionist and the other one is working with Americorps as part of their "Sports4Kids" program which basically would allow me to teach kids how to play kickball and other recess games as part of an initative to teach our kids how to be kids. As I was looking for jobs on craigslist, nwjobs, and idealist, I discovered that I am way underqualified for many of the jobs I wanted to apply for. Which is one of the reasons I want to start working with New Horizons here in Seattle as soon as I get my new job (hopefully M-F 8am-5pm). New Horizons is a great ministry that works with homeless teens in the Seattle area. It would be incredibly stretching for me, but it's something I've wanted to do for a very long time, and it would provide me with much needed experience.

Which led to some other thoughts about the future...like maybe going to grad school to get my masters in social work. I'd like to stay in Seattle for that, but that would mean going to UW next fall since neither SU or SPU offer a MSW. Still, I'd be working with youth, still hopefully in a Christian context, but in a different way. I never saw myself as being THE youth pastor in a church, and I somehow forgot that. I don't feel anxiety about the future, which is nice. And I attribute much of that to the fact that I've still been reading my Bible consistently through this time of lent.

Tonight was Psalm 37 where David is offering encouragement to those people frustrated that the wicked are prevailing. What God seems to be saying the whole time is: "Don't worry about the wicked people. They'll be held accountable for their actions, but that's not your battle to fight. What I want you to focus on is TRUSTING me, being GENEROUS to others, COMMITTING your life to my will, REMINDING yourself of my goodness, and above all chilling out and NOT FRETTING." Which serves as a reminder to me that I need to be busy with trusting God, being generous, etc. rather than stressing about the potential unknowns up ahead.

So, with that, I raise my glass of hypothetical sparkling cider and say "Here's to the future...wherever it shall lead."

March Madness

2009-03-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

Today, for the first time ever, I filled out a March Madness bracket. A guy I work with handed me one, and not having heard of half of the schools, or being certain if what I was filling out was for pro teams or college teams, I did what any sensible person did...I alphabetized my list. It was a very scientific process: I took the first bracket and selected the team closest to the beginning of the alphabet (Lousiville) and then took the next bracket and selected the team that closest followed the previous team (Utah). When I got to the end of the alphabet I started over again.

The end result? I put Butler and Chattanooga, two teams that according to my research have not been in the final four EVER since March Madness began in 1939, battling for the National Championship. And both of my teams were eliminated tonight. In devastating losses.

Oh well, it was the first year I've ever made a bracket. Maybe next year I'll make it further than the first round.

I love stories

2009-03-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

Having just watched the movie Miracle for the second time in three days, I have been reminded once more of how much I delight in stories. But not just any stories... I love the stories that I feel could happen to me or that I could be a part of. I love the stories with characters that are like people I know or stories that I imagine jumping into. Which is why I love The Chronicles of Narnia: I'm constantly looking for the wardrobe that will lead me somewhere. Which is why as a middle school student I loved The Baby-Sitters' Club Movie: Because I wanted friends like those girls had. Which is why now I love Pride and Prejudice and Miracle and Stardust: Because I can imagine myself in the story.

And this cool thing is beginning to happen: I'm starting to see myself in scripture's story. It hasn't happened as quickly as when I'm watching a movie, but it is starting to happen. Today I read Psalm 20 and could hear the words being spoken, but I couldn't hear them being spoken by David. I came to the conclusion that in this case "Psalm of David" referred to this being a Psalm for David and that one of his friends was praying for God to bless and pour out his grace upon David. Now, whether or not this is correct or not is open to debate (I haven't read commentaries or anything like that) but I loved finally feeling that I knew the voice and the character of someone in scripture. I loved being able to hear the voice of someone and knowing where they were coming from and feeling like I too could have spoken those words.

And let's just throw it out there that I also love Miracle because I have a mad crush on about six of the hockey players in the movie. But that's besides the point...

Glue

2009-02-27T10:02:00.000-08:00

As part of my Lenten commitment I am reading a Psalm each day and then journaling about what that changes about who I am in Christ. Today I read Psalm 3 and meditated on verse 5: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, for the Lord sustains me." While many of my days feel the same, I enjoy waking up each morning to encounter the little things that make each day different. Like grapes, or lunch with a friend, or solitary shopping trips at Northgate, or clean laundry. I started thinking about what would happen if I stopped enjoying the idea of waking up. What if I ever woke up and the day seemed to be a burden rather than a promise of something great? Would I wake up again knowing that the Lord sustains me?

This also made me think of the movie "In Her Shoes" when Simon asks Rose, "What holds you together?" Essentially asking, what sustains you? What is your glue? And I started thinking about that for myself. This is what I know so far:

Deep laughter: the kind of laughter that moves your heart it feels so sacred
Intimate worship: intimate meaning you can tell the leader has had an intimate encounter with God and now they are leading you with the hopes that you will as well
Quiet: Those few moments in a day where your sould breathes and you feel at peace

And to the few people that I know have read this in the past, what holds you together? What is your glue? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject!

Lent

2009-02-24T23:24:00.001-08:00

I haven't finely tuned my Lenten commitments for this year, but these are thoughts I am having:

1. I have an unhealthy relationship with food, so I'm thinking about eliminating something that will allow me to eat for sustenance and enjoyment rather than the millions of other reasons I eat. I think this means I'll be eliminating all sweets and also only eating when I'm hungry. In high school, I kind of just ate when I was hungry, and stopped eating when I was full, and I think that's a skill I'm needing to relearn. The reason I think this should be a Lenten practice is b/c I think it would go a long way to having a healthier frame of mind.

2. I need to see myself the way God sees me. I'd like to add in reading some scripture (even just a verse) daily and then journal (even if just for two minutes) daily about what that scripture says about who I am in Christ.

3. Give up putting myself down. More difficult, since it's an internal process, but it's definitely connected to the second one. I already have a host of friends willing to chime in if they catch me doing this. After all, that's what friends are for!

Joy

2009-02-23T09:48:00.000-08:00

One of the girls in my small group is turning 16 in two weeks, and she's very excited about that. One of the other girls in my small group emailed me and asked her if we could throw her a birthday party because some of the girls wanted to bake her a cake. Neither myself nor my co-leader initiated this. They had decided on their own this would be a tremendous blessing for her, and their willingness to make an effort to bless her brings me great joy.

My friend Maggie has a brilliant vision for a new ministry to the girls in our high school group that combines small group with Bible study with practical service with discussions of 'real life' issues that impact them on a daily basis. It's thoughtful, practical, and has the real chance of being a very powerful experience for both leaders and students.

Two of the high school girls were brought to tears during winter camp when our youth pastor told them that he saw in them the ability to be a tremendous leader and change the world.

A group of 15 of us laughed until tears ran down our faces because our high school girls were quoting verbatim various YouTube videos and then reenacting them for us. The best, by far, was their performance of the Harry Potter puppet pals.

My friend Brandon and I wrote ridiculously funny scripts for winter camp where I sat in a pie, dated Zac Efron, taped Brandon to his bed, watched him have a fake heart attack, choked on alka seltzer tablets, broke up with Zac Efron, and had a sleepover.

This is my job? Joy.

What teaching teaches

2009-02-20T00:41:00.000-08:00

This coming week I'll be teaching at our Wednesday night youth group. I love teaching for this group whenever I get the chance...in fact, I love teaching whenever I can. However, it's always one of the most humbling experiences for me to prepare a time of teaching, and here's why: vulnerability. When I teach I feel like I'm cracking my heart open and allowing people to see into who I truly am. Personal stories are shared, but that's not where the true vulnerability occurs. I'm truly vulnerable because I'm opening up to people about who I think Jesus is, how knowing him has changed my life, and why I think that makes a difference. I'm revealing my worldview, theology, and faith with others and allowing them the space to respond to that. Which explains why sometimes after I teach I have a difficult time speaking to people. And why when I feel a lesson has gone bad I take it very personally sometimes to the point of tears. And when someone dear to me doesn't seem to care for what I have taught, I feel not as worthwhile. I feel all of that deeply b/c it is one of the only times when I am being completely honest without pretense or expectation. Despite how scary that vulnerability is, I admit that nothing feels better than baring your soul and having that be received. To hear that I taught effectively is also to hear that people understand how I feel about Jesus, why he's important to me, and can get on board with who he is. And that means more to me than I can possible say.

Howard Zinn's History of the United States

2009-02-01T17:34:00.000-08:00

I feel like this year I made all sorts of commitments for the New Year. Some I have been able to keep faithfully, and others it's been a little bit of a struggle. One that has been going pretty well is working through a list of books Brenna and I created. We each selected 12 books we had been meaning to read but had never gotten around to. We actually started our lists a couple months early, which is when I read Northanger Abbey (loved it), Traveling Mercies (liked it a lot), and Searching for God Knows What (surprisingly timely). Right now I'm reading A People's History of the United States and it's been one of the most challenging books I've ever had to read, in terms of content.

This book tells the history of the United States, beginning in 1492, but from the perspective of the different oppressed people groups: Native Americans, African Americans, women, the Vietnamese, the Filipino's, etc. I read a significant portion of the book the eve before President Obama's inauguration and became disheartened with the American political system. It seems no president, no matter how great they are in our memory, really only did that which served the economic interests of the country. What that means is that the people of lower classes, who do not necessarily benefit the economic structure of the country, are pacified so as not to cause too many problems, but not really listened to. I sat in my apartment and shouted out "What's the use! If every president ends up doing the same thing, what's the point?!?" But then I remembered the 'reason for our hope within', and that does not come down to a political candidate. It's a message I've probably heard a million times, but I'm needing to remind myself that my hope CAN NOT be in a political system, whether I voted for the president or not. In the words of that popular hymn: "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus and his righteousness."

So, as I continue to read this book about the atrocities that good American men were forced to perform, the low wages that women worked for in the 1960's, and the continued disenfranchisement of those of different races, I have to have hope that one day all things will be made right. I have this image in my head of standing in heaven and being able to see the Vietnam villager standing next to the American soldier and see reconciliation occur before my eyes. And I'll be standing there as well, next to those that I have wronged. And Christ will wipe the tears from both of our eyes, and this class that used to be known as the 'disenfranchised' will no longer exist. I do have that hope.

Musings in the New Year

2009-01-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

I still do not have internet in my apartment, but I do have a working and operating computer, after having spent an hour on the phone with Dell (which is a story for a different time).

A lot has been going on in my head and my heart over the past few months, and for my own sake I’ll have to spread my musings out into a couple different entries. This is also for the sake of the one person who might occasionally stumble upon my blog.

My big questions right now concern intimacy in relationship. I’m wondering 1) how you know when you and someone are ‘intimate’, 2) what that intimacy allows one to say, and 3) what my responsibility is in building that intimacy.

I don’t feel like I have many people around me that know me completely. I have great friends; truly I do, but none that I share my entire life with. My non-Christian friends provide me with great perspective and I truly value their passion for life, but there’s a gap between what I express as core values and what they express as core values. My Christian friends share many of those values, but I don’t share my life with them because I feel like I’m complaining, or I feel that my view of how a Christian ought to live is skewed, and therefore not worthy of being expressed. Which leads me to…

Not share my life with anyone. I share my struggles ONLY once the difficulty has passed, but never in the midst. Because, compared to what others endure, I don’t really feel my daily happenings are worth the time or thought of those around me. There are questions I want to ask my friends about why they make the choices they do, but I seem to be the only one with those questions. Since I am the only one with those questions, I automatically assume that I am the one who is wrong. This means those questions are never asked. Which leads me to…

Withdraw and isolate myself, even in the midst of being with people. What, then, do I do? Do I force myself to share aspects of my life with people, even when I don’t feel we are actually close? I know that I need to do that, to a certain degree, in my relationship with Christ. I know that even when I don’t ‘feel’ Christ’s presence that I need to share bits of my heart with him, and in my sharing, I will be drawn closer to him. Intimacy is built. The feelings return. I also know, as Rob Bell would say, God is always present and we’re the ones who show up. So, maybe my friends are there, and I’m the one who needs to show up.

Do I ask them difficult questions about their faith, their paradigms, their limits and their boundaries? Do I risk sounding like a fool and just share, whatever comes to mind? Do I stop doubting I have close friends and start trusting those who consider me a friend? And how do I do all of that without simply adding it onto the list of “things Suzanne needs to fix about herself in order to be a productive member of society”? No answers. Just musings.

Snow time is happy time

2008-12-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

I came to the conclusion last night, as Seattle felt its version of a blizzard, that snow makes the people in Seattle much nicer. All night people were coming into the hotel telling us they wished we could go outside and experience the snowfall, which we all dearly wanted. I was able to skip out of a work a few minutes early, and just barely caught the bus, which was a huge blessing given the frigid temperatures. And then, the bus reached NE 65th St and 15th Ave NE. If you're familiar with the intersection you'll know that there is 1) a bus stop there, and 2) just a VERY slight incline to get started once more. Sure enough, after letting a snow covered civilian on the bus, we were unable to pull away from the curb. The bus driver then began the process of slowly moving up the hill and by the end of his efforts (which took about 10 minutes) we had successfully conquered the one block of the low grade incline. People were happy, and grateful, for the bus driver being able to continue on. It was remarkable! There wasn't the slightest grumble of how late it was (about 11:30pm) or how much time it took or what an inconvenience the snow was. There was the understanding that this man who was driving our bus was doing the best he could, but circumstances out of his control prevented him from operating as usual. And I don't think it's just snow. I was thinking about what it was about snow that make people in Seattle happier and I've come to a few conclusions. 1) It causes people to slow down. If you listen to Seattle when it snows it is so much quieter and calmer because Seattle-ites don't know how to drive in the snow! Traffic comes to a stop, or at least to a mozy, and the city finally rests. 2) It covers dirt, and to a certain degree, unseemly industrialization. In other words, when snowfall comes you can forget you live in a big city and find peace, in addition to rest. 3) It's extraordinary. People in Seattle are grumpy when its grey, pleasant when it's sunny, and freakin' happy when it snows, and I believe that is all directly related to the proportion of the weather events.

And now the snow is melting, and I can hear the cars pass and the honking horns and I urge the snow to come again. However, if what makes people so nice about snow is the rarity of the occurrence, then perhaps it's better for us all if the snow waits a couple weeks. Although, I am still hoping for a white Christmas.

Daily Sacraments

2008-11-11T22:30:00.001-08:00

I'm reading a book right now by Anne Lamott entitled Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith. The book is a memoir, but it's also helpful to think of it like a book of sermon illustrations. In each chapter (which are very short), Anne shares from her life and then reflects on that experience in such a way as to provide insight into who God is and what He desires of her. The remarkable thing about this book is that her experiences are so diverse. She's experienced, abortion, heart break, redemption, hope, devastation, loss, single parenthood, abuse, travel, and that's only in the first half. It's also remarkable because it's written so authentically. Often, these 'connections' to God from personal experience leave me thinking, "I think you're trying just a little bit too hard." When Anne writes, I feel that she is actually in the moment experiencing an encounter with people but simultaneously experiencing an encounter with God. It's not that she has a good story to tell, and then racks her brain trying to come up with a way to have that experience say something about God. Rather, the center of her reality has shifted in such a way that every encounter is an opportunity to see God reveal who He is. And, as I was thinking about this, I was thinking I would love to experience reality in such a way.

Here is my first attempt to do so as I'm thinking about today: Thanks be to God that I had a perfect reunion with a cousin that I have had little interaction with in the past eight years. Thanks be to God that my brothers and I were able to stand side by side in a portrait studio, accidentally wearing the same color pallet, and somehow have our style and posture be a reflection of where we all currently stand in life. Thanks be to God that I am still healing from a broken relationship with a father, but that my community of faith lifts me up. Thanks be to God for laughter, and luke warm food, and reminiscing about movies, and building new friendships, and talking too much, and emails, and silliness, and discovering the need to mature, and saying good bye. I'm no Anne Lamott and I doubt that I would be able to reflect on my life with as much poetry as she is able, but these moments are sacraments. They are moments where ordinary elements are made extraordinary because of how God is working and I hope that soon I will be able to recognize these moments as sacraments, not just in retrospect, but as they occur. Each day is bursting forth with God's revelation of the sacramental nature of reality and I don't want to miss it. I want to slow down, breathe deep, and jump in so as to experience a different view of reality that in actuality is the only REAL reality that exists.