Back in the spring I helped teach a class at my church about our gifting within the body of Christ - how our spiritual gifts, personality, experiences and more make us who we are. One of the weeks I led was about our passions and our desires and how they are a useful indicator of how God made us. I had the class do several exercises where they wrote down gut reactions to prompts to try and uncover what they really wanted and what they really felt about a variety of topics.
When I taught this class I sat with a piece of paper and a pen and asked myself - "Suzanne, what are your deep wants?".
I couldn't list a single one.
A couple weeks ago Maggie asked me flat out if I wanted to date or if I wanted to be single.
I wasn't able to answer her.
Two nights ago I lay in bed trying to get to sleep and in a moment of transparent prayer told God that I was going to unabashedly, unashamedly, ask him for everything I wanted.
I wasn't able to ask for anything.
Of course there are things I want for others: I want my mom to meet a wonderful man to be her partner the rest of her days, I want my little brother to be introduced to a great Christian friend in New York, I want Maggie to be successful in Bellingham. I just can't ask for those same things for myself. Often when people ask how they can pray for me, I don't know what to say. I know there is such a thing as contentment, but I'm not certain if I'm experiencing contentment or if I am completely dulled to what I want.
Maybe I am content! Maybe my soul is deeply satisfied! But when faced with a point blank question about what I want, shouldn't I have an answer? Oh, Lord, what do I want?