Thursday, September 1, 2011

What do I want?

Back in the spring I helped teach a class at my church about our gifting within the body of Christ - how our spiritual gifts, personality, experiences and more make us who we are. One of the weeks I led was about our passions and our desires and how they are a useful indicator of how God made us. I had the class do several exercises where they wrote down gut reactions to prompts to try and uncover what they really wanted and what they really felt about a variety of topics.

When I taught this class I sat with a piece of paper and a pen and asked myself - "Suzanne, what are your deep wants?".

I couldn't list a single one.

A couple weeks ago Maggie asked me flat out if I wanted to date or if I wanted to be single.

I wasn't able to answer her.

Two nights ago I lay in bed trying to get to sleep and in a moment of transparent prayer told God that I was going to unabashedly, unashamedly, ask him for everything I wanted.

I wasn't able to ask for anything.

Of course there are things I want for others: I want my mom to meet a wonderful man to be her partner the rest of her days, I want my little brother to be introduced to a great Christian friend in New York, I want Maggie to be successful in Bellingham. I just can't ask for those same things for myself. Often when people ask how they can pray for me, I don't know what to say. I know there is such a thing as contentment, but I'm not certain if I'm experiencing contentment or if I am completely dulled to what I want.

Maybe I am content! Maybe my soul is deeply satisfied! But when faced with a point blank question about what I want, shouldn't I have an answer? Oh, Lord, what do I want?


Chrissie said...

I love reading your blogs. I hope that God will reveal himself to you. He has big plans for you, and I pray that he lays some of those on your heart as dreams to look forward to.

jae said...

One day you'll know. And it's gonna be REALLY good.

GeoReapers said...

I think that there is a good deal of contentment there. You look at the world and see what you want to do for others, not for yourself. I think it is easy to say the basic big things you might "want" (10 million, tax free etc..), but when it gets down to it, you just want others to be happy. This is really one heck of a gift, and a personailty trait.

T :) said...

Have you ever read John Eldridge's book Journey of Desire? Might be a good one to pick up. I think they've reprinted it under the title Desire