Thursday, October 21, 2010

Prompt 18: The Person You Wish You Could Be

I skipped prompt 16 because it didn't interest me.

While I could write about the actual person I'd like to be more than any other (Kate Winslet, Toni Collette, Mindy Kaling, or maybe David Hasselhoff) I feel like it's more important for me to talk about the kind of person I wish I could be -- because that person is actually within myself and not a celebrity of some sort. By the by, I don't actually want to be David Hasselhoff.

I'm starting to realize that I have some unhealthy ways of relating to people, primarily in the way I react when I'm upset by a situation. Somewhere in my development as a human being I determined that it was appropriate to handle situations by shutting down, blocking people out, and moping. While on the inside there's a firestorm of feelings and frustrations, on the outside I try to present an image of cold stone blankness. What happens, though, is that people can tell I'm upset but I don't want to upset them by admitting I'm upset, so I just don't talk. This happened a couple of weeks ago while having dinner at a friend's house. Something was said that upset me and I didn't want to state so at that moment, so I instead decided I'd remove myself from the conversation. People were asking me if I was okay, and I just kept denying that anything was wrong. About 30 minutes after I made that commitment I started to laugh and contribute to the conversation and almost chastised myself for doing so. I kept thinking I was being inauthentic for moving on so quickly from an upsetting situation but started thinking about it and decided that maybe God has prevented me in my spirit to hold a grudge. I decide to be upset about something, and 30 minutes later I'm laughing. Is this an inability to feel things appropriately? I'm starting to see it as a blessing. Why is it that I can have an infuriating conversation with someone dear to me and 1 hour later be out with my friends eating dinner and laughing hysterically? The problem is that before I get to the laughing hysterically bit, I try to dwell on the anger bit and shut down. I try to make people feel how angry I am without actually expressing my anger. I want to be the kind of person that can be blessed with joy, but not someone who in the midst of sorrow is determined to make others as miserable as possible.

I feel God beginning to transform that part of my spirit, and I know that it's something that I've inherited and have developed b/c it serves me in some way (albeit negatively). The other day while discussing this with some people I verbally said out loud "This stops with me. If I ever have children, this is not something I'm going to pass on. It's finished." And I know that through Christ, through asking for healing, and through intentionally trying to love people well, that it can be finished.

Also, here is a poem my friend Katja wrote about our friendship. It made me smile.

across a state line or two, me and you,
or the palpable distance, contorted,
renew: varying between the mileage,
anew: doing things i never thought
i'd have to do, did you?
believe me:it's only a matter of time before you

She also took the pictures I included with this post. I like these because I think they all either were taken at a time when I felt really free or depict the kind of freedom and peace I want to trust God to equip me with each day.

No comments: