Thursday, July 15, 2010

Motivation and Celebration

I'm trying to keep motivation for eating well. Exercising isn't a problem because I really enjoy it, but the eating well so I can lose weight just doesn't interest me most of the time. When I'm really motivated is when I feel bad about myself, and I don't want to use that as a reason. I think right now it's my brown pants. They're these really cute brown pants with cream colored pin stripes. Their a size 8 (eek!) and I think I've only worn them three times. Thankfully I only bought them at a consignment store so they're not a pair of pants with the tag still on hanging up unworn.

But, in the midst of needing motivation there is also great cause for celebration. As many of my nearest and dearest know I got a new job that I get to start July 26th! It's working at Taproot Theatre company with their education department and their outreach department. I'm not entirely certain of everything I'm going to be doing, but I am thrilled all the same. The only cause for pause is that it's only 30 hours a week and so I'm currently looking for a part time nanny job in the mornings. I had an interview today with a family (they were a little weird) but I should be okay for the next month or so while I wait for something to come through.

I'm also needing motivation in my walk with Christ right now. I had a slow breakdown on the phone with Becky a couple of weeks ago. It's hard when you don't have the words to articulate your struggles. What it comes down to is that I am exhausted. I'm tired of striving. I have a system set up in my life with very specific inputs and very specific outputs. Nothing is new. Nothing is fresh. It all just feels like work. I had one of my first every willful moments when I for the past month have flat out refused to read my Bible. There's no reason for it. I just don't want to, because picking it up just feels like work. A few weeks ago I was walking and gave an exasperated sigh that turned into a prayer and then a question: What am I doing wrong here? I heard one word as an answer: rest. Stop striving and start resting. The thing is, I don't really know how to do that well. There's a couple ways I'm trying to work on resting, but often it leads to doing nothing.

Or simply adding things to my to-do list. Go for a run. Check. Eat well. Check. Clean my room. Check. Rest. Check. Now what?

I'm thankful for the moments of celebration I've experienced in the midst of my quest for motivation in my faith. I asked a question and I got an answer. Now, I just have to figure out what to do with the answer, and that's a much better place to be in.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Are you pregnant?

I was sitting at the bus stop today and a stranger casually asked me: "are you pregnant?" I responded with a firm but incredulous "No." She apologized, told me that it was probably because of the shirt I was wearing and then tried to make a little small talk. I sat there and did what I usually do when I get distressed: texted Maggie. She asked me if I punched her in the throat. I told her no, but that the comment totally deflated me. I felt like jumping up and yelling, "I'm trying to lose weight, okay!?!" I also told Maggie that it really pissed me off because I feel like I'm a beautiful until someone does or says something that tells me otherwise.

I know I could lose weight. According to Weight Watchers, I should lose anywhere between 35-50lbs. And I know maybe I should. But I don't really care enough to. Not that much at least. I don't feel like my health is at risk. I go running 3 days a week at least, varying between 3-6 miles. I supplement that with dance and fitness classes or Tae Bo. I make sure to eat at least 5 servings of fruit and vegetables a day. And sometimes I make really bad food choices. Like, really bad. But I'm actually okay with being a size 12 for the rest of my life and firmly landing in the 150's. I'm okay if I never feel comfortable wearing a bikini and just wear shorts and a bathing suit top. I'm okay with that. But other people don't seem to be.

I know I'm beautiful. And as Maggie said, not just in a "God loves me" kind of way, but in a ridiculously good looking way. I really just wish people would stop asking me if I was pregnant.