Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Musings in the New Year

I still do not have internet in my apartment, but I do have a working and operating computer, after having spent an hour on the phone with Dell (which is a story for a different time).

A lot has been going on in my head and my heart over the past few months, and for my own sake I’ll have to spread my musings out into a couple different entries. This is also for the sake of the one person who might occasionally stumble upon my blog.

My big questions right now concern intimacy in relationship. I’m wondering 1) how you know when you and someone are ‘intimate’, 2) what that intimacy allows one to say, and 3) what my responsibility is in building that intimacy.

I don’t feel like I have many people around me that know me completely. I have great friends; truly I do, but none that I share my entire life with. My non-Christian friends provide me with great perspective and I truly value their passion for life, but there’s a gap between what I express as core values and what they express as core values. My Christian friends share many of those values, but I don’t share my life with them because I feel like I’m complaining, or I feel that my view of how a Christian ought to live is skewed, and therefore not worthy of being expressed. Which leads me to…

Not share my life with anyone. I share my struggles ONLY once the difficulty has passed, but never in the midst. Because, compared to what others endure, I don’t really feel my daily happenings are worth the time or thought of those around me. There are questions I want to ask my friends about why they make the choices they do, but I seem to be the only one with those questions. Since I am the only one with those questions, I automatically assume that I am the one who is wrong. This means those questions are never asked. Which leads me to…

Withdraw and isolate myself, even in the midst of being with people. What, then, do I do? Do I force myself to share aspects of my life with people, even when I don’t feel we are actually close? I know that I need to do that, to a certain degree, in my relationship with Christ. I know that even when I don’t ‘feel’ Christ’s presence that I need to share bits of my heart with him, and in my sharing, I will be drawn closer to him. Intimacy is built. The feelings return. I also know, as Rob Bell would say, God is always present and we’re the ones who show up. So, maybe my friends are there, and I’m the one who needs to show up.

Do I ask them difficult questions about their faith, their paradigms, their limits and their boundaries? Do I risk sounding like a fool and just share, whatever comes to mind? Do I stop doubting I have close friends and start trusting those who consider me a friend? And how do I do all of that without simply adding it onto the list of “things Suzanne needs to fix about herself in order to be a productive member of society”? No answers. Just musings.