Monday, November 10, 2008

Sweetness

Okay...it's true confessions time. It is very important to me that I be considered a funny person. I want my friends, family, strangers, acquaintances, boys I think are cute, co-workers, people older than me...EVERYONE to think I am funny. Most of the time I would consider myself to be pretty self-confident, but there are many moments when I feel my 'healthy self-image' meter start to malfunction. I forget all of the messages I've heard from others and told to others about their value as a human being and the way they were created in God's image. I start to fear that I am going to be forgotten. I worry that if I stop talking, stop making jokes, and just sit quietly that there will be nothing that distinguishes me from everyone else. It's a problem, I'm aware, but I'm working on it.

The point is, that my humor is what I use to become the shining star. And often it is dry, biting, and cutting. It would be too easy to label it as merely 'sarcastic' as often my sarcasm crosses a line. I was thinking today about two middle school students and a high school student I had some interaction with on Sunday. In my interaction with them I was unnecessarily silly, commenting about awkward things they said, behaviors, etc., and now that I think about it, I know they weren't completely comfortable. In fact, they might have thought I was being mean to them. And as I was thinking about this I concluded that "I need more sweetness in my life." That was who I used to be. I used to be the sweet girl, but in my quest to prove that I was worthy of being remembered, I traded in sweetness for sour.

My friend Karen and I will be moving in together shortly, and I am so thankful, because she makes me a sweeter person. We don't know each other incredibly well, but we laugh easily when we're together, and it's never at the expense of others. I'm not depending my life on her 're-sweetening' me or anything like that, but I'm thankful that on the same day I came to the conclusion about how I need to treat people that I realized my soon to be roommate will be challenging me, without even realizing it, to live a different way. One of those perfect moments of serendipity. So bring on the sweetness! I'm ready to remember who I am, and have people remember me for a reason other than my ability to throw down a quip.

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