Today someone gave me an amazing gift that I don't feel I deserved in any way. My roommate accurately stated "It's that whole grace thing. It messes with you." I find that when someone provides me with something I don't think I deserve that there's a whole mess of feelings that come with it.
First, I feel humbled that someone would think highly enough of me to go out of their way to bless me. Why would someone do that when there are others that are significantly more worthy of that kind of attention? Second, it makes me feel unworthy of receiving anything as my first reaction is that it should be diverted to a different source. Someone else always seems to be in more need of receiving what I have been provided with than I do. Third, it's really disarming. This gift was provided anonymously and it's a vulnerable place to be in when you realize that without you saying anything someone has tried to meet a need in your life. All of a sudden my little world of autonomy where I rely only on myself and my resources is punctured and someone has forced their way in without my consent. Clearly, this is a biblical concept and my resistance to let someone in points more to my being a product of my selfsustaining culture than anything else. Fourth, I don't understand why this person, whoever this person may be, chose this point in time to give me a gift. Yesterday I was rocked pretty hard by a sermon Richard preached wherein he commented that God isn't going to reveal more of who he is and what he wants from you until you respond with obedience to the revelation he has already provided. I am in the midst of trying to sort through what the revelation is that I am failing to respond to and then...BAM...someone gives me something I don't deserve. What kind of sense does this make? Shouldn't the blessing come only after I have responded to the Lord in obedience?
As silly as this may sound, it's gotten me to revisit the grace involved in Christ's dying on the cross. The only response that seems 'enough' to Jesus' great sacrifice on the cross is a feeling of being unworthy. I remember the first time I ever felt that, although that's a different story. I still feel disarmed and unworthy by the gift I received today by I'm glad it occurred around Easter when I need to be most reminded about the magnitude of Christ's sacrifice.