Monday, March 10, 2008

Unworthy

Today someone gave me an amazing gift that I don't feel I deserved in any way. My roommate accurately stated "It's that whole grace thing. It messes with you." I find that when someone provides me with something I don't think I deserve that there's a whole mess of feelings that come with it.

First, I feel humbled that someone would think highly enough of me to go out of their way to bless me. Why would someone do that when there are others that are significantly more worthy of that kind of attention? Second, it makes me feel unworthy of receiving anything as my first reaction is that it should be diverted to a different source. Someone else always seems to be in more need of receiving what I have been provided with than I do. Third, it's really disarming. This gift was provided anonymously and it's a vulnerable place to be in when you realize that without you saying anything someone has tried to meet a need in your life. All of a sudden my little world of autonomy where I rely only on myself and my resources is punctured and someone has forced their way in without my consent. Clearly, this is a biblical concept and my resistance to let someone in points more to my being a product of my selfsustaining culture than anything else. Fourth, I don't understand why this person, whoever this person may be, chose this point in time to give me a gift. Yesterday I was rocked pretty hard by a sermon Richard preached wherein he commented that God isn't going to reveal more of who he is and what he wants from you until you respond with obedience to the revelation he has already provided. I am in the midst of trying to sort through what the revelation is that I am failing to respond to and then...BAM...someone gives me something I don't deserve. What kind of sense does this make? Shouldn't the blessing come only after I have responded to the Lord in obedience?


As silly as this may sound, it's gotten me to revisit the grace involved in Christ's dying on the cross. The only response that seems 'enough' to Jesus' great sacrifice on the cross is a feeling of being unworthy. I remember the first time I ever felt that, although that's a different story. I still feel disarmed and unworthy by the gift I received today by I'm glad it occurred around Easter when I need to be most reminded about the magnitude of Christ's sacrifice.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Yesterday was a Funky Kind of Day

It was one of those days when I was just in a funk. My head and my heart seemed cloudy and I could not focus for the life of me on people, conversations, or the sermon at church. I'm trying to systematically work through everything that is creating the fog. I'm certain there's more but here's what I have so far:

1) I'm working on getting a new roommate temporarily. Both of the candidates live in far off states and I just realized that having them live with me temporarily is a major violation of my lease agreement.
2) Trying to apply for jobs that could take me far away from here all the way to who knows where.
3) Making sense of my calling. I'm having doubts that youth ministry is what I'm most equipped to do and I don't know if that's self doubt or if that's legitimate questioning.
4) I had great time with the Lord two days in a row and now it's been empty for a week or so and I'm feeling dry.
5) There are students I need to follow up with, people I want to hang out with, and people I should hang out with, and none of that is happening.
6) Work (the hotel) is frustrating because my schedule is getting ridiculously unpredictable. There are strategic reasons why this is happening and it's happening to everyone, but its making it hard for me to spend time with other people.
7) Always worried about my weight and eating right. Every day I'm binging or eating things that aren't healthy and yet it's a cycle I allow myself to get into. What's it going to take for me to break this cycle and get it together?

These 7 things provide the sum total for why my head feels a little funky. I'm looking for it all to clear, but I know it's a matter of time for that to happen. So, when people are asking me how I'm doing today, I'll be saying fine and that's really how I'm doing.